Breast Reduction Freed Me from Seasonal Affective Depression
And Other Realizations about Self-Esteem
Every Autumn, I know it’s coming. The sensation looms like the shadows of nightfall, stretching, reaching to bury long claws deeply into me.
Every Winter, it comes- Seasonal Affective Depression. It’s brother, PTSD, is always there, but when SAD visits for the holidays things becomes especially heavy, like drifts of damp snow covering my heart.
Every Spring, I feel hope. SAD prepares to leave when geese fly north and annuals poke back up through the ground. Finally!
Every Summer, I steep in the sun. The chill SAD leaves is melted away in radiant warm beams of light and I relax; my smile becomes a little wider. The longer I steep, the shorter SAD’s stay next winter will be.
These last two years, I have discovered sunbathing. I never thought I would be that woman who lays on the beach in a bikini for hours, and I’m sorry I ever judged her for it before. To tell the truth, I was jealous. Relaxing in the sun while lying on the earth, surrounded by sparkling waters and azure skies? It sounded wonderful, but I wasn’t confident enough. I thought I was too big. And too heavy-chested. I felt I would be a blemish compared to the beauty I saw in the other beach-goers. So I held back, forgoing the experience because I couldn’t stand being in my own skin.
Then I had a breast reduction.
I didn’t have it done only for cosmetic reasons, but it has dramatically improved my sense of self-worth and confidence. First, the shopping experience became much more enjoyable- I fit into bathing suits with colors and shapes unlike what I was limited to before! Granted, clothing stores should do better to provide options for all body types- and some brands are beginning to do this- but the search was always difficult, expensive and stressful. Opening up options and affordable prices was a huge relief.
Then I went to the beach.
I was timid at first. I still looked at the other woman and felt funny. Parts of me still jiggled. I had had babies, and deep stretch marks caressed my belly. Despite surgery, lingering doubts colored my confidence. But I had a new body, and I wanted to try it out. I laid out my towel, and made myself lie down and rest.
I didn’t realize what a beautiful experience I had been denying myself! I recognize I had allowed jealousy, driven by a false perception of self compared to others, to keep me from enjoying something that could relax and heal my nervous system.
I look forward to it now. I know that I will be able to sink into the sandy earth as I’m hugged by the sun. I know that I will be able to take my children to enjoy it, too, a gift for the whole family!
And I have begun to notice a long-term benefit over the last two years; it seems the more I sunbathe during the summer, the more time I spend outdoors, the shorter Seasonal Affective Depression stays for winter. What a relief!
Please don’t let what you see in the mirror deter you from the beach. Don’t wait for invasive surgery to enjoy your own body. Steep in the sun; let Mother Earth care for your heart. She will teach you that you are loved just the way you are.
