Deconstruction, PTSD and Pornography
1on1 with Tegan
Tegan, what led you to share your story on Empathy Cafe?
Josué reached out and asked me to share. We had been connected for years, first through Just Smile then through social media and various blogs. He knew that I was a writer and was fairly open about my story. I decided Empathy Cafe would be a good fit for me, and continued to share on this wider platform what I had already been sharing in my circle.
Previously, you’ve shared of hurt that was done at the hands of people who claimed to be Christians. How has this affected your spirituality?
It eroded all trust in spiritual communities and religious people, especially Christian/evangelical ones. That lack of connectedness can sometimes feel isolating. It no longer feels safe for me to enter into a church building or make new friends with overtly religious people, and that’s lonely. I lost some relationships too, which hurt. It made me feel disconnected from my family and upbringing. But it also made me realize how spiritually unhealthy I was; to see that I was participating in the same patterns of behavior and thinking that harmed me. I wanted to be and do better.
Deconstructing felt necessary. Yet starting over also left me feeling spiritually bare. I am currently seeking the meaning of and to fulfill a spiritually healthy me as a wholistic, complete person — mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
Why did you choose an approach of openness and vulnerability in sharing your experience with PTSD?
I think, because I have always been open about mental health issues and advocate for them. Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), among many mental health issues, is grossly misunderstood. I wanted to be part of the dialogue, to help people understand that there are physical symptoms to a seemingly invisible disorder. When people learn about PTSD, mental health, disabilities, financial constraints, or any other issue someone is dealing with, it cultivates awareness and compassion, which our world so desperately needs.
You are vocal against pornography, often encouraging those in your circles to boycott organizations that fund or support this industry. What has led you to advocate against pornography and its harmfulness?
Education. When I learned that pornography is synonymous with human trafficking, it changed my attitude towards the issue and the people involved entirely. Like any issue, when we listen and learn with an open mind and reasonable sense of logic and consideration, we grow and change. This attitude of listening and growth is a staple here at Empathy Cafe, and it carries over to all parts of my life.
How do your past experiences affect your parenting today? Has this affected your health? What kinds of adjustments have you made to support your wellness?
There’s a story about two brothers. One becomes an alcoholic, the other does not. When asked why they did or did not become alcoholics, they both answer, “my father.” We can either chose to follow the example, or use the example as something we don’t want to be ourselves. In my life and parenting, that looks like picking and choosing the parts of my childhood that worked well for me, and throwing away the parts that did not and trying something else.
Yes, this totally affects my mental and emotional health, and relationships! There are huge overlaps between my past, health, and parenting! Learning what I needed but didn’t have growing up is helping me to seek how I can meet those unmet childhood needs for myself as an adult as well as in my own children. We do not have to repeat the cycle in the next generation. That isn’t to say I believe my parents were horrible people; I hope my children do the same for their kids, as I am painfully aware that I have holes in my parenting. Instead, I hope that I have become more loving, knowledgeable, kind, compassionate, giving, understanding, empathetic, and more attentive to emotional needs than my parents were. I hope my children become more of all of these than me for more healthy individuals and families in each generation after us.
I hope our legacy is to continue the good while pruning out what is unhelpful or unskillful. The adjustments I make to support my wellness in this area looks like caring for my child-self and meeting her needs as an adult, finding healing for trauma and neglect and arming myself with knowledge of neuroplasticity and child development and practicing gentle parenting.
What do you hope people experience when they read the stories you share on Empathy Cafe?
A sense of peace. I hope they learn something of value that enriches their life, helps them grow emotionally or spiritually, or helps them feel seen and heard in a way that only commonality can bring. I hope they can be inspired to be brave and share their story, too.
