Do you have Autonomy of Thought?
Learning Spiritual Independence and Liberty of Logic
Do you know why you believe what you believe? Do you feel confident sharing your thoughts or entering a civil debate? Are challenges to your thinking welcomed?
I was often told what to think and what to believe in the church. Beliefs about everything; significant and important things. Marriage. Parenthood. Child-dicipline. LGBTQ. Abortion. Money. Sex. Racism. Politics. Mental health. Self-worth.
I was taught what to think in the church; I was taught not to think at a Christian behavioral ranch in Arkansas. I suffered much medical, spiritual, and psychological abuse and brainwashing there (in case you’re wondering what that was like, #breakingcodesilence will give you good insight into stories much like mine).
The result of those 13 months of my life and the collective years in the church resulted in my person, thoughts and practices looking like everyone else in my circle, with views on every issue mirroring theirs. But, no questions allowed. Questions are threatening. Questions are punished. Because questions help people grow and learn. And change.
The way to keep someone in your power is to make them doubt themselves, trust you to the point of blindness, and silence their questions completely. You teach them to silence themselves.
I learned to doubt myself. I learned to shut my mouth. The fear of speaking up was very real; I might be punished for having an opinion! I silenced my inner spiritual voice that was asking deeply challenging questions. This is how I survived.
Today I am now safe, deconstructing, and relearning who I am, what I think and what I believe. It is a process and some parts move faster than others. When important topics present themselves I am reminded that for some issues, I still don’t know what to think. For example, abortion rights are a major discussion in the news in American today as Roe v Wade could possibly be overturned.
Do I still believe what the church taught me? What about my questions? What about the stories of my friends who have had abortions that saved them? What about my own experiences with difficult pregnancies? What about my babies, born pre-mature but still very much alive and able to feel pain? Is this a black and white issue, or can there be nuance? I am trying to process all of this and I just can’t seem to get through this internal battle.
Realizing this is to realize that I still have a lot of negative self-esteem and doubt from the voices of others still talking to me that was manipulated into my thinking that I need to identify, remove, and repair. I cannot enter into debates on any issues without first gaining autonomy of thought in that area.
Deconstructing for me is more than just re-examining Christianity and my spiritual path, but the bigger picture of my complete internal psyche and personhood. Those beliefs literally shaped who I am, how I interacted with others, and how vulnerable I was. And the internal messages of the ranch made it so I was afraid to be myself, think for myself, ask questions, challenge the thinking of others, or speak my needs and desires.
I want to have my own thoughts and be unafraid to share them.
