I Miss Having a Simple Faith In Jesus

Deconstruction Isn’t Fun

I’m sitting on my bed, listening to calm music, pondering about my walk with Jesus and enjoying the company of my faithful Nova.

I miss having a simple faith in Jesus.

Electroconvulsive Therapy wiped so many things from my brain. I haven’t been the same since receiving such powerful treatment four years ago. I forgot so many details about my theological understanding! I had so many questions; it was a forced deconstruction.

In the beginning, it was about what my denomination believed. I wanted to revisit its doctrines and make sure I got it right. I remember sending my good friend (also a pastor) many texts with myriad questions. I even googled my denomination!

Then doubts about God came into place. That was the more unsettling of all. Where is God? Who is he? Why has he forsaken me? Depression and anxiety ruled my days.

Until I opened the Bible a year ago.

You see, I had also forgotten how much I loved that book! Fast forward to today, and I’ve gone through it six times. Plus, I’ve been reading books about how it was edited, compiled, etc. I’m relishing the process.

Still, I miss Jesus.

On the one hand, I’m super duper enjoying the process — it is fascinating. If I went back to my twenties, I’d study Theology again. There are many nuances in the Scripture’s study and many exciting details!

On the other hand, I miss having the faith of a child. Like, “it’s all about Jesus, and I want to worship him all the time” type of thing. I miss the joy I felt worshipping him alongside other fellow Christians. I miss singing. I miss praying.

I’m unsure if I’m making any sense; I guess I am a messy Christian.