Trauma Ignored Gets Loud in Your Body
Ruminating on the inner-child work I still need to do
I have noticed that when children are ignored or feel they do not have your full attention, they get louder and louder until they are heard. Children continue to be loud until they feel confident you truly see them. Sometimes that takes a while; it takes repeatedly seeing, hearing and celebrating them. They may still make noise even when you’re meeting their needs, because they do not trust it will last. History taught them better, afterall. It takes much assurance; it takes consistency. With time, a child might learn to believe that you are a reliable, trustworthy adult they can fully rest in and feel safe with.
I see this pattern repeated in trauma work, and addressing the needs of my inner-child.
When you ignore trauma, it gets louder. It screams through your body for your attention. Major depression and anxiety disorders were first. I was 14. Hypothyroid next, at 17. When I was in my early 20s, Fibromyalgia and hypermobility became my daily friends. I was diagnosed with posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) at around 30 years old and about a year later, benign premature ventricular contractions (PVCs).
With time, chronic pain, fatigue and autoimmune diseases accumulate and compound. These are the voices of unaddressed trauma demanding your attention.
They say, “Slow down. See yourself. Hear yourself. Take care of yourself.” When I began to do that with my adult traumas, things began to change. I gave my body and mind and spirit what it needed. Supplements. Healthy diet. Exercise. Therapy. Meditation. And some of those issues began to improve. A benign cystic nodule on my thyroid gland shrunk dramatically. I lost weight. My skin cleared. I take only one prescription now. Blood pressure is normal. Hormone levels in my blood even show that my hypothyroidism is in remission without treatment!
This is good and I celebrate that, but I have work to do still. Parts of me are healing. Parts of me are still screaming. LOUDLY. Muscle pain and fatigue. POTS-like symptoms. PVC symptoms worsening. Headaches.
I believe that somatic loud-ness comes from the child-me inside, because it’s one part of my trauma that I have not looked deeply into or addressed yet. I became aware of it in a back-door-sort-of-way while looking at parenting, and saw a strong connection there. Child trauma and neglect will comes full-circle in your life if you ignore it. It will reach out from you and you will find your child-self and your offspring simultaneously wanting to be heard, to be seen, and to be celebrated. Your children will demand, “Will you meet my needs and love me for me?” through difficult behaviors. Not because they are bad. Because they need you.
Who meets the needs of a child? The answer to that is, an adult.
As a child, I recall feeling inferior to adults. I can’t say I know why, and I will need to explore that more, but I internalized this message and continue to carry that with me in my 30s. I realized that, in relation to certain individuals, I STILL view myself as a child and thus, inferior, and I am still pining for their love and attention. The thing is, this makes me unnessesarily vulnerable. This places me squarely in their control and under their power. If they do not give what child-Tegan still needs, then I continue to live out an unhealthy dynamic in that relationship.
Furthermore, how does the belief that children are inferior play out into my parenting? Is it inevitable that my children will feel the same way about me? Am I powerless against this? Or can I change this?
Yet, I believe the adults in my life failed because they didn’t know better. If I acknowledge how they hurt, ignored and neglected me, does it mean I invalidate their intentions? Does it imply that they failed me completely? Does it negate the good parts? Does it mean there was no love at all? Does it mean I reject them?
And, if I share these feelings with them directly, will I hurt them? Am I ALLOWED to share those feelings as part of my healing? Or am I a terrible person if it makes them feel badly?
I have many questions yet to explore: Why did I feel as I child that I needed to “grow up” so fast? Why did “she’s so mature for her age” feel like such a compliment? Can I restore childhood? What does my child-self need to know? How does shame play a role in all of this?
I needed a present, loving adult able and willing to meet my needs, to see, hear, love and celebrate me at every step. I need to become this adult for my own children today.
Child-me? She’s still waiting. Can adult-me meet the needs of child-me today?
