Emotional masquerade

How we trick ourselves to avoid pain

Our instinct is always to avoid or minimize pain. This is a helpful reflex that reduces the physical injuries we might otherwise incur. But when it comes to emotional pain, avoidance almost always makes the situation worse and actually prolongs the pain.

This avoidance usually means masking one emotion with another more ‘acceptable’ or explainable/excusable emotion. Instead of feeling sad or depressed, we might turn those emotions into anger. We might hide fear with cynicism.

There are two main reasons we mask our emotions: 1) the true emotions are too painful to feel, and 2) we’re afraid of how others might respond if we show who we really are and what we’re actually feeling.

We can’t control how people will respond and we can’t predict the amount of pain our actual emotions will bring. But chances are, neither one will cost us as much as it will to maintain an emotional masquerade.

The mask numbs the pain in the moment and provides an illusion of comfort, but we’re only tricking ourselves.

“We can choose courage or we can choose comfort, but we can’t have both. Not at the same time. Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.” — Brene Brown, Rising Strong