Holding space for pain

How to empathize with those who are hurting

By its very nature, pain — especially emotional pain — is uncomfortable and perhaps even awkward for those nearby. It hurts. Our first instinct is to make it go away, distract ourselves, or do anything to make the pain more bearable.

When someone else is hurting, we might rush past the pain, focus on the good, or maybe even distance ourselves from the person — not because we don’t care, but because it’s awkward and we don’t feel like we can help. We desperately want to make things better.

In those moments, one of the most generous, empathetic responses is to acknowledge the pain and be present as they walk through it.

I call this ‘holding space.’

Not rushing to fix or explain it, not finding a silver lining, not ignoring or belittling it. There’s no need to feel their pain for them or even to make the pain go away. That’s not empathy.

Empathy is holding space — a safe space — for the other person to be real about their struggle. It’s embracing the discomfort and potential awkwardness of meeting someone where they are without expecting them to ‘get happy.’