Staying civil

How to engage when you don’t (and may not ever) agree

“We’ll just agree to disagree.”

We’ve probably heard (and used) that phrase many times. Often what’s really meant by it is “I don’t want to hear why you disagree with me” or “You’re wrong, I’m right, and this conversation is over.”

When it’s likely we’ll never agree on a given topic, it’s easy to either blow up or give up.

But what if it’s possible to continue the conversation AND stay civil?

Here are a couple phrases to try out next time a discussion is headed for an abrupt “just agree to disagree” ending.

• “This is what it’s like for me….” “What is/was your experience like?”
• “When it comes to [topic/issue], my greatest fear is [XYZ]. If you don’t mind sharing, I’m curious — what is your greatest fear around this topic?”
• “What are some of the experiences that have shaped your thinking?”
• “Can you tell me more about that?”

What might be possible if we brought curiosity and respect to the conversation instead of judgment and resistance?

What if disagreements are an opportunity to learn and think more deeply instead of a debate to win?

How might this empathetic posture transform our most difficult relationships?