The curse of comparison

Why acknowledging pain (without comparison) matters

No one likes pain. It’s completely natural to want to avoid it, make it better, or not talk about it.

One well-intentioned attempt to make someone feel better might include phrases like “At least it’s not…” or “It could have been worse.” While those sentiments might be true, they almost always backfire. Comparing someone’s pain discredits what they’re actually feeling and insinuates the pain shouldn’t hurt as much as it does, or worse, doesn’t matter.

But won’t it help someone to focus on good things or things to be grateful for?

Ironically, the opposite is true. Acknowledging the pain — ours or someone else’s — leads toward healing. Simple phrases like “Wow, that must have really hurt” or “Sounds like you’ve had a tough time” make the other person feel seen and, in a small way, comforted.

We can almost always find a more painful experience or more tragic loss. But if we don’t acknowledge seemingly ‘lesser’ pains, we’ll be ill-equipped to empathize during severe suffering.

Recognizing pain may be uncomfortable (for us), but it brings comfort those who are hurting.

Side note: Gratitude can be empowering and helpful, but telling someone in pain to be grateful rarely is.