Calendar Notes Illuminate POTUS’ Mind
Reveal innermost thoughts on Presidential priorities
A White House staff member sent me a copy of the President’s iCal appointments for a single day. He accidentally forwarded it to staff thinking he was reTweeting a disparaging comment about Obama.
Readers are no doubt aware of the controversy surrounding his thought process and intentions. Is he a master chess player who makes every player a pawn in a game he thought through to the crowning move? Or do his thoughts resemble chorizo farts—frequent, loud and noxious? Once we accessed his notes for upcoming meetings, we believe we found the answer.
These are his appointments, to-do list and preparation notes for Monday April 2. Our source informed us this day was unusual in that POTUS normally reports for work at 11 am and works until noon.
6:00–9:00 Watch real news.
See if we can fire another staff member and hire one of the two twins who host Fox & Friends. Make sure whoever approaches doesn’t get them confused, which is hard because they’re twins even though they have different names.
Bet these girls are seasoned professionals. Trained by Ayles on how to please the boss.
9:00 am Cabinet meeting
Have Kelly make sure the new guys know how to kiss my ass so I look good on camera. One should say, “Thank you, Mr. President for getting us out of Syria. Why Obama got us into that mess is beyond me.”
“Have Kelly make sure the new guys know how to kiss my ass so I look good on camera. One should say, ‘Thank you, Mr. President for getting us out of Syria. Why Obama got us into that mess is beyond me.’”
10:30 am Ali Abdullah Saleh
When will they get names Americans can pronounce. Like real people?
Why do these arab guys get 49 wives and I’m stuck with one?
Call Hope to come in and make sure this is on TV. Let her know the door’s still open and show America I’m tough but friendly with the dessert crawlers.
11:00 am Meeting with Christian leaders.
This would make even better TV. All those Christians who cough up checks so Jesus can give those preachers tennis courts and yachts. That’s the gravy train I want to pump.
So gullible. All I have to say is “the Lord’s will” and “it will be in my prayers,” (as if) and they’ll give me their mailing lists.
More impressed with Jesus now I learned he was a Jew. I thought he was a pussy, but now I know he’s one of Jared’s people I bet he stole the shirts off the suckers’ backs and sold them for a fortune.
“More impressed with Jesus now I learned he was a Jew. I thought he was a pussy, but now I know he’s one of Jared’s people I bet he stole the shirts off the suckers’ backs and sold them for a fortune.”
Make Kelly tell staff to research convincing pieus shit I can say to impress the Bible thumpers.
Have Kelly hustle them out exactly at noon so I don’t have to listen to any more pieus shit when I should be eating.
12:00 Angela Merkel
Yell at Kelly for scheduling this meeting, or any meeting after a full three hour work schedule. Hustle out rear door before they bring in Ugly-face Merkul. Let Kelly come up with the cover story.
To Do:
- Eat lunch: 2 Big Macs, 2 fish sandwiches and a chocolate shake.
- Schedule meeting with Disney Miss Sunshine. She’s got great tits. Like two Big Macs floating in my face
- Cancel Wed. meeting with Bombhisassajan. Why the fuck do I need to talk to some guy from Iran? Going to bomb them before summer anyway.
- Tell Cohen to find the guy we sicked on Sleazy Stormy in Vegas. Really shook her up. Need to find a way to use him again without cops being alerted.
- Call Bruce Evans at NBC. Pretend to be happy for his promotion then pitch him Apprentice sequal Celebrity Cabinet: Raising the Steaks. (Fax the doctored ratings from news coverage of other firings beforehand as “Dave” not David “Dennison,” so he won’t know it’s me.)
- Tell Kelly not to schedule people during Fox and Friends? Tell Kelly to hire a FOX blonde not the old farts on evening news.
- Have Cohen show Melania the prenup to remind her what she loses if she ditches me. Make sure to crop out signature line where I forgot to sign.
Have Cohen show Melania the prenup to remind her what she loses if she ditches me. Make sure to crop out signature line where I forgot to sign.”
- Eat 4pm snack: 2 Big Macs, 2 fish sandwiches and a chocolate shake.
- See if Putin can help negotiations to buy McDonalds. Offer him a 30% share to make up for the shit everyone made me put him through.
- Schedule a conferance to speak too. Need more names for my black book.
- Eat dinner: 2 Big Macs, 2 fish sandwiches and a chocolate shake.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
