Pardon Me, Mr. President

I know you have your pick of turkeys to pardon this Thanksgiving, but after hearing my pitch I think you’ll understand why you should pardon me. Pardon any other turkey, and you could easily be perceived as a bleeding heart, girlish vegan. Pardon me, and you’ll be pardoning a turkey with an unimpeachable record. See for yourself:

I’m Pro-Egg — And I Defend the Rights of the Unlaid

Whenever I’m in the proximity of a hen in the massive cage in which we all writhe, I peck her incessantly every moment she is not laying eggs, because I value the life of the unlaid and unhatched.

Immigration — Not in My Cage!

Once a brown-feathered tom appeared in the far corner of the cage. When he started walking toward the feed bin, I pecked him incessantly. I wanted him to understand that he can’t just strut into a new cage and expect handouts.

A ‘Tough Old Bird’ — On Crime

I am tough on crime. Most birds in pecking distance I peck incessantly, because most likely they have committed or will commit a crime.

A True Poultriot

I always squawk along to the farmer’s announcements, but some other birds lay down instead. They tell me they lay down because the farmer treats us badly, he’s going to slaughter us, blah blah blah. I say without the farmer, we wouldn’t have this antibiotic slurry! I take a big gulp and then I peck those birds incessantly, because they are being un-American.

Thanks for your consideration. I may GOBBLE but I never WOBBLE on my All American values.

All best,

Tomas J. Tom, American Turkey