Drumpf Discovers Kant
Misinterprets the message and crashes nation on rocky shores
FOX News flummoxed Drumpf this week when it allowed the German philosopher Immanuel Kant to be introduced during an interview. Harvard Ethics professor and harsh Drumpf critic EG Gheade responded to the question, “So, like, what advice would you give the man who saved the world from North Korean Nukes and the Clinton Cabal?”
“I would give him the same advice Kant gave us all. ‘Act as if the maxim of your action were to become, by your will, a universal law of nature.’ But I would be happy were he to take a moment just to think before he ran off with guns blazing.”
News @ Night anchor Shannon Bream circled her ear and rolled her eyes to mock Gheade. Guest columnist Laura Ingraham stuck a tongue down her throat and pretended to gag. Viewers, however, didn’t get the message. Calls flooded the network asking either, “What the hell was he talking about?” or, even more often, “Did you let that guy use the C word on your network?”
Drumpf, as usual took to Twitter: “Liberal Egghead just told Americans on FOX to read Maxim magazine and become a nature lawyer. As usual, liberals HAVE NO MESSAGE. (But Maxim is OKAY TO LOOK AT for the DOUBLE D rated articles.) “
Calls flooded the network asking either, “What the hell was he talking about?” or, even more often, “Did you let that guy use the C word on your network?”
Media backlash immediate and widespread
As might be expected, every major network ridiculed the Tweet for its blatant ignorance of Kant, whom every commentator claimed to be familiar with but few could share what, exactly, they knew about him. CNN’s Chris Cuomo went so far as to call him, “the most influential philosopher since Karl and Groucho Marx,” and was caught on camera boning up on the Cliff’s Notes at the end of a commercial break.
FOX, in the meantime, assured viewers no such philosopher ever existed and that Gheade “made the quotation entirely up.”
“We just wanted our viewers to see what elitists thoughtful and educated people are. You know. So they’d keep their kids home from college,” Bream later admitted. “That’s how we lose most of our faithful viewers is education.”
“We just wanted our viewers to see what elitists thoughtful and educated people are. You know. So they’d keep their kids home from college. That’s how we lose most of our faithful viewers is education.”
Upon learning the size of his boner, however, Drumpf demanded to be brought up to speed.
Back to school at the White House
“We had to explain it to him dozens of times, but he didn’t get it,” admitted B.G. Kizzazz, Chief of Staff John Kelly’s assistant deputy. “At first we explained, ‘It’s just the PhD version of the golden rule.’ Drumpf said, ‘Right. Convert your cash to gold as a hedge against inflation.’ Then he got upset about the Ph.D. reference. ‘Kantface thinks he’s smarter than me? I have a Ph D. in Business and Real World Economics from Wharton you know. I taught there before I made my fortune.’”
According to Kizzazz, the White House hired mimes, cartoonists and even children’s book illustrators to help explain the maxim, but with little success. He shared that Kelly “finally pulled the last three hairs remaining on his head and said, ‘What would you do if you were God?’ Drumpf got that.”
Kizzazz paused. For several seconds. Then he added, “The real God help us all.”
Drumpf, now empowered to act on behalf of God, or to accept his Godhood (staff members still aren’t sure) ordered Canada and Mexico to be annexed, decreed that immigrant parents should be given infertility drugs before “releasing them back into the wild,” volcanos and hurricanes to reduce China to the size of Puerto Rico, and turn black people white.
The White House hired mimes, cartoonists and even children’s book illustrators to help explain the maxim, but with little success.
“Let’s see the Democrats top the last one,” he reportedly told top aides.
Drumpf then unleashed dozens of Tweets including:
- America is truly God’s nation again. I should know, I’m God.
- If your kids are too LAZY TO WORK, I’m starting a job-exchange program with China. Six years of HUNDRED HOUR WEEKS at a dollar an hour and they’ll FINALLY show their parents SOME GRATITUDE when they get back.”
- McDonald’s is now the OFFICIAL CHURCH OF AMERICA. I made a GREAT DEAL for Americans. Worship there every day of the week.
- I hearty HIRE ALL AMERICANS. You may not get paid, and you may have nothing to do but YOULL BE EMPLOYED!
McDonald’s is now the OFFICIAL CHURCH OF AMERICA. I made a GREAT DEAL for Americans. Worship there every day of the week.
- I’m exercising the DIVINE RIGHT OF GOD PRESIDENTS. I don’t have to honor my marital vows. Promising young female applicants should DROP BY FOR AN OVAL OFFICE TOUR. You’ll be well compensated. ASK STORMY DANIELS.
- The Witch Hunt ends now. God can’t be INDITED OR EMPEACHED!!!
After scrambling to walk back every word from Drumpf’s mouth for the last two days, Kizzazz confided to Emphasis, “Let’s hope no one introduces him to Nietzsche.”
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
