This sample of Drumpf’s writing was found on a bathroom wall. Experts believe the drawing was added later by a staff member. (Phillip T. Stephens)

Drumpf Praises His Writing Prowess

”Wright like a butterfly, STING with a Tweet.”

Drumpf launched a full scale assault on fantasy author J.K. Rowling after she replied with laughs to one of his Tweets. First, however, he removed the offending Tweet from his timeline. Too late, it seems, because it can still be found in the forwards and replies.

This Tweet (since removed) went viral for the laughter it received.
This Tweet (since removed) went viral for the laughter it received.

“Why do you think he started his Orwell campaign?” admitted LP Spuckered, White House Aide. “He could care less about Muller. He’s thrown so much mud at it, every one knows he’s guilty but he’ll never be forced out of office. Even when his second term ends. No, his Tweet embarrassed him and now he wants it to never have happened.”

In the thousands of retweets, no one defended 45’s writing skills. “Even his ghost writers were awful,” Michael Wolff, author of Fire and Fury told Emphasis. But when you’re audience is filled with suckers who think you’ll make them rich, you’re not writing to show off your talent.

“Even his ghost writers were awful. But when you’re audience is filled with suckers who think you’ll make them rich, you’re not writing to show off your talent.”

Not so, says White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. “We know for a fact that the Nobel Committee for Literature is considering him for a prize. When he wins, he’ll be the first President to do so. And everyone knows the Literature Prize is the big one. Much more important than the nickel-and-dime Peace Prize Obama won.”

Drumpf defended himself with the Tweet “Don’t believe a CHILDREN’S AUTHOR about my wrighting skills. I Wright like a butterfly, STING with a Tweet.”

Emphasis wondered if Drumpf has written anything since he doesn’t even read. So we explored the six page file he plans to donate to his Presidential library and tried to track down examples of his writing since he took office.

Writing other than his Tweets that is.

“We know for a fact that the Nobel Committee for Literature is considering him for a prize. When he wins, he’ll be the first President to do so. And everyone knows the Literature Prize is the big one. Much more important than the nickel-and-dime Peace Prize Obama won.”

After two weeks of intensive searching, we found four examples.

Writing in School

Drumpf's sister Maryanne Barry supplied this sixth grade poem.
Drumpf’s sister Maryanne Barry supplied this sixth grade poem.

The first two were provided by his sister, Judge Maryanne Trump Barry. “I’ve been holding onto these for years for the moment he should get his comeuppance,” she said. “That will never come so you might as well have them.”

The first was written when he was in sixth grade:

I love to grab pussies
I heard my father say
So I grabbed my pussy
Felix the evening before last
and he scratched my hand.
I hope he’s happy in the ground
and maybe I’ll learn to like
pussy like my dad some time.

The following example was his submission for an English essay on writing about empathy.

Impathy exercize

by The Donald

One day the Donald was sitting at lunch by himself at his table his father paid for in the skool cafeteeria. It was a great table, the greatest table a gifted honor student like the Donald ever had.

The Donald looked at the next table and saw the pour skinny kid whoos name he doesn’t remember because his father werks for my father and is probably Mexican or something an not even legel. The poor skinny Mexican kid was eating a fat, warm taco with ground beef that his mother kept warm with a think foil and cloth thing.

The Donald only had his cold roast peasant sandwich slapped together by the Mexican made and tossed into a paper bag specially printed with the Drumpf monagram. The Donald knew that poor Mexican kid felt bad that he had a nice warm taco and the Donald was stuck with a cold peasant sandwich so the Donald offered to trade, knowing Mexicans aren’t two smart.

But the Mexican told the Donald, “No way. My padre told me to never play with you, never talk to you, and never ever trade with you because I’ll get screwed and you’ll get my kohonis.” The Donald impethized with the Mexican kid that he had to make up words because he was so intimadated by a child of the most rich and powerful famly in all of New York.

But the Donald doesn’t have to right anymore because teacher said 200 words, and the Donald rote more than that, more words than any skool kid in the histery of skool kids so his rich and influntial father said the Donald fullfilled his contract and he will take it up with the principol if she dosen’t give this and A.

But the Mexican told the Donald, “No way. My padre told me to never play with you, never talk to you, and never ever trade with you because I’ll get screwed and you’ll get my kohonis.” The Donald impethized with the Mexican kid that he had to make up words because he was so intimadated by a child of the most rich and powerful famly in all of New York.

Drumpf’s prediction in the last paragraph proved astonishingly correct. His twelfth grade English teacher gave him an A+ with the note: “Effort exceeds execution. As always. One day your lack of attention to detail will catch up with you.”

So far her prediction has been off the mark by miles.

Written while in office

We also received two samples from White House staff members. The only two examples of non-Tweet writing they could find. The first appeared on the men’s bathroom wall after Drumpf couldn’t make it to his private bathroom.

Here I sit all broken hearted
cause my bathroom
isn’t golden and gorgeous
like
POTUS’s
to sit in when I farted.

This Post-It was left on the refrigerator in the kitchen.

This is just to say
I have eaten
the Big Macs
that were in
the icebox.
Cold beef sucks.
Next time
leave them in
the oven so
their warm.

Emphasis contacted the Nobel Literature Committee to see if they considered Drumpf a legitimate candidate. To their response, “he doesn’t even read,” we offered to email the samples. “It isn’t necessary,” their spokesman replied. “We’ve seen his Tweets.”

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Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.