Dueling Shysters: Giuliani v Crane
Blockbuster trade lands Hall of Fame closer for bullpen
The President’s legal team, locked in a perpetual state of rebuilding,[1] sealed a four-for-one trade to sign closer Denny Crane. Crane, a charismatic and telegenic legal whiz, has eclipsed other lawyers in career saves with a record of 643–0.
Crane emerged from a twelve-minute meeting with POTUS just before noon and said, “The witch hunt is dead, we’re just waiting for the Special Counsel to see it. Long live the witch. Denny Crane.”
“The witch hunt is dead, we’re just waiting for the Special Counsel to see it. Long live the witch. Denny Crane.”
White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters that Crane and Giuliani will provide bookends to the President’s public face during “the last few wearying days of this baseless investigation into crimes he made sure no one will ever be able to prove. Consider Giuliani to be the starter, and Crane to be the closer with the President pitching for himself in middle relief.”
When asked to explain the metaphor, Sanders admitted, “I don’t know anything about baseball. I’m just repeating what the President told me to say.”
Crane’s addition comes at a time when former attorney Cohen, currently under indictment, is threatening to blow the whistle on possible illegal activities he undertook for the President.
The legal team traded the newly signed Emmet Flood, Marc Kasowitz,[2] Jay Sekulow and Michael Cohen to Crane, Poole & Schmidt in exchange for their founding partner and star. “I pulled the wool over their eyes,”45 reportedly bragged to several officials and the janitor cleaning the Oval Office. “They had no idea I dumped that loser Cohen on them. He’s a rat. A squealer. Who wants him?”
The President was in no position to trade Cohen since Cohen no longer represents him, but apparently he’s unaware that Cohen no longer represents him. White House sources confirm he emailed Cohen that “there’s a bimbo here in the White House who thinks I got ‘handsy.’ Deal with her.”
Nor was POTUS aware that he traded the cream[3] of his legal team for a fictional character. Crane, Poole & Schmidt served as the framework for Boston Legal, a television show cancelled a decade ago. The President has been described by many pundits as “the character Crane would have become had he turned more conservative, gained another hundred pounds and lost three or four dozen IQ points. And been real.”
The President has been described by many pundits as “the character Crane would have become had he turned more conservative, gained another hundred pounds and lost three or four dozen IQ points. And been real.”
Stephen Miller, the President’s former speech writer, admits that “Steve Bannon used Crane as a model when he molded POTUS into the caricature of a human being he is today.”
Actor reveals inners workings of legal team
Crane’s contract is reputed to be in the millions, with guaranteed residuals and a continued role should the President win a second season. When I reached William Shatner, once again playing the role of Crane, I asked how he scored such a sweet deal (one far out of line with the other players).
“Real lawyers don’t have agents,” he admitted. “Mine even buried a discovery clause that if the character Denny Crane is exposed as fictional the White House will honor the contract and agree to cover it up. The President never read the contract, but he did confined that there are other things that may have been swept under the carpet they could use me for.
Shatner added, “He even told me, ‘CoverUp,’ one word, is the password for every sensitive issue we deal with.”
Shatner described the legal game plan laid out in the Oval Office. His explanation explains Sanders’ baseball metaphor. “When we want to float something, Giuliani opens on the mound. He says exactly what the President wants to say. If there’s a poor public reaction, which, between you and me, there always is, I go out and throw a red herring across the plate. Like, ‘We should never forget how the President singlehandedly stopped the Iranian invasion of Israel. Denny Crane.’ That’s the important part. He loves me saying that. Then, while the press is busy fact checking and arguing over whether or not there was an invasion, everyone forgets what Giuliani and the President’s said.”
“When we want to float something, Giuliani opens on the mound. He says exactly what the President wants to say. If there’s a poor public reaction, which, between you and me, there always is, I go out and throw a red herring across the plate.”
“I understand Giuliani isn’t happy with the new pecking order,” I suggested.
“He screamed like a two-year-old who lost his pacifier,” Shatner said. “Makes me glad I’m an actor. We’re rejected from so many roles, including a top tier actor like myself, that our skins feel like alligator hide.”
He leaned forward and offered to let me feel his skin. I politely changed the subject and asked how his character came to the President’s attention.
“He watched several of my court cases online,” Shatner confided. “I said, ‘You mean my TV shows?’ He said, ‘Television’s how I keep in touch with reality. Too many germs out there.’ Which explains why he didn’t bother to read my contract before he signed it. I wonder if he can read.”
Shatner paused, his face darkened with concern. “You don’t think he’ll see this interview do you?”
I assured him the publication is an online magazine.
“Thank God,” he said. “Even if somebody Tweets it to him, we’re safe.”
One change already in effect since Crane’s hiring is the President’s personal monologue style. When asked about the upcoming meeting with North Korea, he announced, “It’ll be the greatest meeting in history. Such a great meeting Kim won’t need to be there. Donald Trump.”
[1]: If not total chaos.
[2]: Recently demoted for threatening a stranger on email, a move the President claims to have patented.
[3]: And a little of the scum.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
