If you aren’t inspired right now, I’ll disinvite you from the seminar. No refunds.

How I Got Over 10 Monthly Readers on Medium

I was like you, once; competing for the mayfly attention of sarcastic millennials, despairing because I’m one of them — I mean, seriously: I’ve spent, like, literally hours of my life writing and no one has given me my participation trophy yet? I don’t even.

Anyway, once you’ve achieved profound success like mine, you might find yourself reflecting on your humble beginnings. Maybe you’ll be compelled to crush the spirits — erm, inspire — the young aspirants who are trying to elbow their way onto your coat tails, or more likely, you’re blocked and need to churn out some filler because, as we all know, success requires you to…

Produce, constantly

You’re gainfully employed, you have a family, you need to sleep every single day —whatever excuses you’re making are just holding you back.

Stop it.

Stop it right now.

Discard all of your distractions, and set a punishing daily quota. This is essential — the bigger the number, the better. 10,000 words, 20,000 — hell, if you can’t be bothered to write a novella every day, then why are you even doing this?

A Young Stephen King

Distractions are going to destroy you, and you need to banish them all if you ever hope to be a successful Medium writer. Turn off your social media accounts. Turn off your computer. Throw away all of your pens. Quit your job, leave your family, and scream ceaselessly into the void. This is the purest and most honest way to channel your creative spirit.

You may find hunger, exposure or long-term sleep deprivation to be uncomfortable, but keep it up. I assure you, this suffering will be a temporary condition: you’ll either become a Medium superstar, or you’ll perish in disgrace, which is just nature’s way of telling you that you’ll never be a writer.

Write an Article About How to get Views On Medium

The most popular articles on Medium are those about how to improve your readership on Medium. This is where readers really start to identify serious writers, and learn to ignore the filthy casuals. If you can’t be bothered to write an article about your success, then how can you expect your readers to know you’re successful?

If you want to stand out in this fathomless sea of mediocrity, it’s important to take a little bit of time claiming to be an expert in the field of self promotion.

Don’t forget: your ‘how to success’ articles don’t count unless you show off screenshots of your score, so make sure to include something like this:

Numbers like these can’t be yours, obviously … but you might get close!

Include an inspiring header image

People read with their eyes, and eyeballs love to look at pictures. Words are boring, right? If I could, I’d just write articles that were slideshows of pictures I found on the internet. Readers love that crap.

I can assure you that this dog is having a better day than you

Pick something inoffensive and inspiring, like this public domain image of a puppy in a shoe.

No, stop — I said like this public domain image of a puppy in a shoe. This one is mine; I found it fair and square and intend to use it. I mean, come on; I can’t give away all of my secrets.

Whatever inferior image you eventually settle on should give your readers an idea of what your article is about. Look at mine, for instance — if a photo of the Earth taken from the surface of the Moon doesn’t scream “how to be a successful Medium writer” then I just don’t know what does.

Cross Promote your Stories

Everything you write is boring and nobody likes it, so if you really want to get people to look at it, you’re going to need to write a series of interesting articles that shamelessly promote those literary turds you’ve slaved over.

Barfing on your welcome mat is called ‘doxxing’ and millennials will do it if you make them sad

If readers feel like you’re being pushy, they will find your home and barf on your welcome mat, so this takes some finesse. You definitely shouldn’t say something like “Hey if you like this cloying attempt at satire, then you’ll love What to do when a Terrorism Happens”, because readers are smart and they’ll see right through your ploy.

Try sneaking in links to your stinkers so that you can trick your readers into viewing your stories. This is a surefire way to build a following of loyal fans.


If you can afford food and children you clearly aren’t following my advice

By now I’m sure you’ve shared links to your stories on your social media accounts, but you don’t have any friends so that isn’t really going to push your readership into the vaunted double-digits.

Thankfully, this is America and you can buy yourself friends and attention!

Twitter, Facebook, and assorted other platforms make it easy to shove your media in front of people who don’t want to see it, in exchange for money.

You’re a poor starving artist though (if you aren’t, then you really haven’t been paying attention), so the key here is to sell whatever you might possess of value — the car you live in, your body, your children — and to parlay the proceeds into sweet, sweet ad campaigns.

Spend as much money as you can on advertising; I mean, lets be honest. This is the only way you’ll get anybody looking at your… ahem. ‘Work.’

Give up!

Just give up.

I know you’ve worked hard, but there comes a time when you need to be honest with yourself. Not everyone is destined to have ten or more strangers on the internet read a thing that they’ve written. If you’ve given it your best shot for, like a week or something, I guess, and you’re still not putting up those rockstar numbers, it might be time to just throw in the towel.

You gave it your best shot, champ.

Yes, I am a wizard

It’s not the end of the world, though! Sure, you’re homeless, hungry and passersby are crossing the street to avoid your unending shrieks of pain and confusion, but here’s a picture of a puppy. What?! A second puppy picture? OMG this is better than avocado toast!

Now get a job.


Author’s Note: all sarcasm aside, I enjoy reading reflections on writing and thoughts about the Medium community. My clock just rolled over to midnight, and I’m committing my first words of 2018 to the page — I look forward to shoving many more into the blog-o-sphere this year, and I’m excited to see what the world of online literature produces.

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