Louie the dog does not see himself as a household pet. He’s more of a cherished family member. He contributes, okay?
Louie shares more commonalities with his human roommates than any dog he’s ever sniffed on the street. He’s just more sophisticated and understands abstract concepts beyond “sit” and “paw”. He would describe himself as the Aristotle of dogs. Very humbly, might he add.
Louie does not like to take commands. On the contrary, he loves giving commands. If you pat your thighs and say in a high pitched squeal “Come here Louie Louie pie, little cutie pie!”, he will vomit in his mouth and proceed to do exactly the opposite of what you just said. He does this to fuck with you, because he knows how to do that. So, he’ll look at you square in the eyes and tease you. He walks toward you a little, then back, then forward, then back. He knows how to keep you on your toes. Finally, after several agonizing minutes of this waltz, he will make eye contact again as he watches you watch him walk far far away from you and your thighs.
Louie knows how to work his angles. Like a seasoned male model, he knows his right side is stronger than his left. At the dinner table, he places himself right next to the weakest link. Looking at you, Karen. He sits next to Karen, showcasing his right side and offers the cutest puppy face anyone has ever seen. You don’t understand how cute this face is. This face puts that face that Puss in Boots from Shrek makes to total and embarrassing shame. He watches Karen sneak peeks at him. He has her right where he wants her. And as she’s about to crack, he does his final trick that seals the deal. He does that thing where he rubs his paw on the side of his nose as if he’s scratching an itch or bashfully trying to hide his huge puppy eyes. “Who taught him to do that?”, thinks Karen. And as she is thinking this thought, she finds that her hand has involuntarily lowered itself to his mouth. And inside that hand is a piece of chicken. “How did that get there?”, Karen thinks again. But, it’s too late because Louie has already eaten that delicious piece of rotisserie chicken. Karen has been fooled, played, almost hypnotized. It’s like David Blaine doing that trick where he catches bullet in his mouth, but…like better.
Louie also takes what he wants, because he’s a man and that’s what men do. Karen recently bought this soft blanket that’s made of sheep’s wool or some shit like that. Either way, Louie wants it. He decides to repeatedly sit on her blanket after doing unsanitary things. He takes a massive shit, steps in it a little, and then walks over and sits on that ungodly comfortable blanket. He goes out on a walk and rubs his paws in some gum he found on the street and then he comes home and sits on the blanket. He licks his own penis for two hours and then licks the complete surface of the blanket with his penis mouth. It’s gross. After weeks of this, Karen can’t take it. She’s the weakest link remember? And she forfeits this $150 blanket to Louie. This is the power dynamic of this house.
Louie has many talents but one of his strongest is sleeping on Karen’s laptop when she has a 25 page thesis due at midnight. He is also proficient in Microsoft Excel and Word.
*A biopic of his life, “Top Dog”, is set to be released in select theaters May 2018, directed by Christopher Nolan and written by Aaron Sorkin. Mark Wahlberg to star (Tom Cruise was unavailable).
