Melaniabot to the Rescue
White House appropriates Disney animatronic character
After 25 days without a sighting, the First Lady finally appeared at a FEMA briefing. She sat quietly at her husband’s side, not uttering a word or wincing when he announced he has done more for the Puerto Rican people than any President in the history of hurricanes and, should another big storm hit the island, he would do even less.
Nor did she wince when he did an impression of Saturday Night Live’s Alec Baldwin impersonating the President making a duck face.
When the meeting broke up she shook hands with the participants and told them how glad she was to see them. What alerted reporters to the possibility something was amiss was the fact she said to everyone, “Hello, it’s so nice to see you.” And the fact that her lips didn’t sink with the words.
Emphasis’ White House reporter asked a confidential source if Melania was still experiencing the after effects of surgery or suffering from another Botox overdose. The source replied, “there’s absolutely no truth to the story POTUS stole the animatronic Melania from Disney World.”
Acting on a hunch that something provoked his outburst, Emphasis contacted the Disney World’s animatronic lab (which is still recovering from bad publicity when the POTUS bot refused to share a stage with Robama.) Animation supervisor E.G. Head confirmed that the lab lost their Melania bot. “We don’t understand it. The President toured our lab last week and complimented us on our progress. The next day she was gone. The team thinks she saw 45 and walked out on him because even the robot version knows he’s a bastard.”
“We don’t understand it. The President toured our lab last week and complimented us on our progress. The next day she was gone. The team thinks she saw 45 and walked out on him because even the robot version knows he’s a bastard.”
Head verified they were still debugging the bot. “She can walk, shake hands, and say, ‘Hello, it’s so nice to see you.’ That’s it. Her face moves awkwardly and her lips don’t sync withe the dialogue, like she overdosed on her last Botox shot.”
In her absence rumors flood the Internet speculating where the First Lady might be. “Melania sightings have outnumbered Bigfoot,” Facebook media analyst S. Paye Anuu shared. “She’s in Venice with Kanye, in Tibet with the Dali Lama. EBay sellers can’t keep up with the demand for black velvet paintings of her and Elvis.”
“Melania sightings have outnumbered Bigfoot. She’s in Venice with Kanye, in Tibet with the Dali Lama. EBay sellers can’t keep up with the demand for black velvet paintings of her and Elvis.”
After the briefing, POTUS Tweeted, “So good to have FIRST LADY back. This one’s the real deal. NOT FAKE. Don’t let Fake News claim otherwise.”
Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:
- Allan Ishac
- Steven Rouach
- The White House Log, a roundup of my reporting.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
