New Gospel Unearthed in Monastery
Gospel of Donald confirms Presidential Values
Archeologists with Liberty University and the Christian Coalition of America announced the discovery of a new Gospel yesterday. “We applied every test of Biblical accuracy known to God and this proved to be His real deal,” said chief archeologist Dr. Flynn Phlamn.
The archeologists found The Gospel According to Donald preserved in a secret vault hidden in the basement of an abandoned first century monastery in Macedonia. The monastery was discovered during excavation for the new Trump Hotel in Skopje, the country’s capital.
The Gospel According to Donald differs significantly from the four accepted Gospels. “That should be no surprise,” Phlamm said during an interview with the Liberty Champion, Liberty University’s official news publication. “The Gospel did confirm many issues of conservative Christian beliefs long held in dispute by the heretical liberal left.”
Bill Carr Fleecer, spokesman for the Christian Coalition told Brietbart, “This is the most significant discovery since the coming of our Lord. The first one, I mean, and lays to rest the liberal claim that conservative fundamentalist life-loving evangelicals are out of touch with God.”
The Gospel of Donald claims that a coup occurred within the ranks of the Apostles. The Apostles Peter and John engineered a hostile takeover and severed ties with Jesus’ true right hand and CEO, Donald, a merchant a shrewd businessman.
A glimpse of the opening paragraph conveys the tone of the Gospel:
After our Lord departed, Pushover Peter and Just a Joke John elboweth me out of a leadership position with the apostles because they greweth jealous of my position at the Lord’s right hand and my great hair (no one had more beautiful hair in the history of beautiful hair) which was nothing comparedeth to how Appalling Paul turneth our faith into a whining, do-good-to-people-who-did-fuck-all-for-you mockery of Athens of old. Our Lord roadeth an ass but the braying ass shouldeth be the symbol of these so calledeth Christians who couldethn’t grab a pussy between the lot of them.
The Gospel According to Donald’s story line
The Gospel’s author claims Donald raised a fortune for Jesus and created a marketing empire unrivaled in Rome. The Romans wanted to control that fortune and gave Jesus a choice, surrender his profits or be crucified. Jesus surrendered his profits.
Donald, however, devised a new money making scheme. He paid Judas Iscariot thirty pieces of silver to pretend he was Jesus and the disciples turned Judas over to the Romans to be crucified. When Jesus reappeared in public after Easter, he convinced people he returned from the dead and made a fortune selling shares in his new faith.
Jesus made so much money in the first few weeks of his new sales promotion he retired to a luxury mansion on the Mount of Olives. He left Donald in charge of the business, but greed and “the perverse values of socialism and liberal generosity for the lazy poor and criminal immigrants from Samaria” inspired the other Apostles to push both men out. The second seat Apostles almost drove the business into the ground until Paul, a master tent salesman, rescued the franchise.
Paul and his crooked wife Hillary proved no less liberal than the others, and brought a fortune to their coffers while sabotaging Jesus’ true message.
Key passages call traditional Gospels into question
“For what does a man’s soul profiteth him when he cannot spendeth it on bread or gold-digging babes?”
The Gospel of Donald differs from the traditional Gospels on questions that have long been debated within the church, especially on questions close to conservative evangelical doctrine. One passage that the Christian right is rallying to is the newly revealed Sermon on the Mountain of Gold.
In this sermon, spoken from the mouth of a Jerusalem gold mine Jesus tells his followers: “Blessed are the rich in money for their wealth trickleth down into the poor,” and “for what does a man’s soul profiteth him when he cannot spendeth it on bread or gold-digging babes?”
Another variant passage is the story of the feeding of the few.
“The disciples came to Jesus and sayeth, “This place is far from town, the people doeth hungerth. What shalleth we do?
“And Jesus sayeth unto the crowd, ‘Goeth thy into the hills and gather as many branches as you can. Grindeth thy wheat into flour and baketh it into bread. Fend for thyselves and return when you needest nought from me.’
“To his disciple he sayeth, ‘Blessedeth is the man who teacheth another to fish for that man will stop stealing mine.’ To which is disciples replyeth, ‘Which man to whoeth doeth thy refereth?’
“To his disciple he sayeth, ‘Blessedeth is the man who teacheth another to fish for that man will stop stealing mine.’”
“He scoldeth them saying, Doeth thy not haveth ears to heareth? If thy dependeth on me for every explanation you willeth starve to feedeth thou soul.” And they goeth away sad for, being liberals, they understoodeth not a word he sayeth.”
Most controversial is the verse in the Sermon on the Mountain of Gold, “Most blessedeth is the man who grabbeth a woman by the pussy for she willeth be ecstatically fulfilled.”
Biblical scholars have resisted calling The Gospel According to Donald authentic. They question the presence of anachronisms, such as the celebration of Christmas and Easter before Jesus’ death, and the fact that a first century manuscript was written in English. Nor can any scholars (besides those at Liberty University) find any mention of a gold mine in Jerusalem.
Most concerning is what Dr. UP Tyte calls “the flagrant misuse of King James English. It’s like a fourth grader tried to write his own version of the Bible.”
The President, who now carries his first edition copy of the Gospel (with Jesus’ signed photograph sewn into the front cover) to every rally, calls the Gospel’s critics “sore losers and big time fake newsers.” He reads entire passages during his speeches. His favorites passages refer to the Gospel’s alleged author, Donald.
The expedition that discovered the new gospel was funded by the Trump Organization who rerouted the money from a donation by Liberty Bible College.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
