Philosophers’ Dogs Confer at Hague
Discuss Descarte’s barkology and human language games
The International Congress of Philosophers’ Dogs met at Den Hague Central hotel in The Hague this weekend to exchange critical views about reality, the meaning of life and the ethics of serving their humans.
The Keynote speaker, Descartes’ dog Cervau, spoke on the barkology of being, including reminiscences of his life with the philosopher.
“One afternoon when he was freezing over his desk in Sweden, I barked to remind him it was dinner time. He asked, ‘Why do you bark?’
“‘I bark therefore I am hungry. Always hungry.’ He stood to fetch my dish, then wanders off asking, ‘But do you think?’
“‘I bark, ‘I bark therefore I think, you idiot. And I’m hungry.’ But he’s lost in thought writing in his stupid notebook by that time so I leave through the doggy door to beg for food on the streets.
“Here’s what he missed. The doggy door exists and it doesn’t think. Dogs don’t worry about phenomenology and neither do their doors. Am I right?”
The doggy door exists and it doesn’t think. Dogs don’t worry about phenomenology and neither do their doors.
Aristotle’s dog Areti lectured on the difference between “All dog food is good. The food in this dish is dog food. Therefore The food is this dish is good” (logically true) and “All dog food is good. This food is good. Therefore this food is dog food” logically false.
Reports from attendees say Plato’s dog Eidos spoke at length, using a typical mock dialogue between his mentor Socrates’ dog Kalós and a straw dog named Agnoia whose arguments Kalós knocked down one-by-one. The dialogue centered on the ideal dog that all dogs should aspire to become. Reports say he held the audience silent because they slept through the entire speech.
The most popular presentation may have been Wittgenstein’s dog Spielerisch who theorized that human language is little more than a game played by rules which change depending on their mood. This explains why humans can say, “bad dog” when they’re angry (indicating displeasure) one day, and “bad dog” while they’re laughing (indicating pleasure) two hours later. Spielerisch further suggested humans will never understand dogs because meanings in dog language are fixed and honest, honesty being something humans don’t comprehend.
Human language is a game played by rules which change depending on their mood. This explains why humans can say, “bad dog” when they’re angry (indicating displeasure) one day, and “bad dog” while they’re laughing (indicating pleasure) two hours later.
Attendees agree the highlight of the conference was the dog fight that broke out between Leibniz’ dog pack and Spinoza’s spooky spitz Überall concerning the nature of dog food. Leibniz’ dogs insisted dog food is comprised of infinite balls of dog food comprised of infinite balls of dog food, and Überall insisted dog food is a spiritual essence pervading everything which allows dogs to digest more easily.
The International Congress of Philosophers’ Cats met at Mercure Hotel across the street. Their schedule consisted of sleeping, staring out the window in contemplation, waiting to be fed and holding the dogs in utter contempt for thinking they had something of value to contribute.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
