POTUS Supporters Love This Swamp
”As long as it’s our swamp, we’re for ‘im.”
Pundits and pollsters remain baffled by the President’s rise in popularity in spite of the avalanche of scandals threatening to bury the White House. The man who campaigned “drained the swamp” has parked a septic truck in the Rose Garden and ordered it to fill the halls with sewage.
“We’re living in a septic tank,” complained White House Aide LP Spuckered. “We want to surface for air, but there’s no room left between the muck and the fiberglass.”
This weekend Scotland’s Herald reported that EPA Director Scott Pruitt and Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin scheduled a private jet to Scotland and crapped on the St. Andrews Golf Course after a waitress accidentally spilled the soft drink Irn-Bru on Pruitt’s Brioni Vanquish suit. The suit was a gift from Koch Industries and the trip cost the taxpayers more than half a million dollars, and yet the President gained another percentage point.
Scandals don’t bother POTUS supporters
Pollsters originally believed POTUS supporters didn’t hold him responsible for the actions of his appointments. Our diligent reporting staff went into the field to interview the President’s supporters. We discovered, to our surprise, that supporters aren’t bothered by the scandals at all. Much as evangelicals embrace 45’s sexual dalliances and unchristian bullying, supporters give him full credit for the scandals.
Supporters aren’t bothered by the scandals at all. Much as evangelicals embrace 45’s sexual dalliances and unchristian bullying, supporters give him full credit for the scandals.
“As long as it’s our swamp, we’re all for ‘im,” confided Ima Pöcher, whose family sells wild game from their highway stall since the men were laid off from Upper Big Branch Mine in 2010. “We were tired of the Negro people and China babies cashing in on the taxpayers under AntiChrist Obama.”
This sentiment was shared by everyone we talked to. BG Doomp, owner and proprietor of Overspill Landfills, admitted, “I got written up by the EPA six, maybe thirty-two times a year under them other guys. Had to change the business name twice a year at least. This guy Pruitt lets me go about my business.”
Dump was recently sued by residents of a Lexington, Kentucky suburb buried in garbage when a Good4U Hauling — his previous business — four hundred foot dump site toppled into their yards.
“Washington’s been ripping us off since Roosevelt,” Arkansas home distiller Bubba Kornbru said. “It’s ‘bout time we ripped them off instead.” Bubba welcomes the fact that ATF has steered clear of his five rusting copper stills and so has the IRS. When twelve customers died of alcohol poisoning, the Department of Justice refused to get involved.
Bubba welcomes the fact that ATF has steered clear of his five rusting copper stills and so has the IRS. When twelve customers died of alcohol poisoning, the Department of Justice refused to get involved.
“These are good honest Christian men,” Pastor Harry Tyke of the Alabama White Jesus Pentecostal Church confessed. “So what if they glean the fields ever oncst in a while? Bible says it’s okay. Man’s gotta dip into the missions plate to make ends meet.”
This reporter spoke to more than two hundred POTUS supporters over the course of three weeks and everyone agreed they like this swamp. In the words of Dallas, Texas roadkill vendor Skeeve Vinger, “it smells just fine in our downwind.”
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
