President Furious to Learn of DACA Pets
First the Dreamers, now this?
The President spoke out against the immigration of illegal pets from Puerto Rico at a Florida rally to celebrate his coming out party at Davos. In the middle of listing his many accomplishments-including a peace treaty to end all war, replace the TPP with “fair and balanced trade where the US wins bigly and they lose beggarly,” and replace North Korea with an international trading post administered by Homeland Security — he attacked immigrant pets.
“I just learned we’ve been shipping in so-called ‘rescue’ pets from Puerto Rico since the hurricane. These are illegal, undocumented mongrels that will take the place of American pets in our welcoming American homes,” the President declared. He labelled the rescue efforts of adoption groups throughout the country as “an end-run around our immigration laws.”
“I just learned we’ve been shipping in so-called ‘rescue’ pets from Puerto Rico since the hurricane. These are illegal, undocumented mongrels that will take the place of American pets in our welcoming American homes.”
“First the Dems dump those damn Dreamers in our laps, and now this?” he raged. “When you do to the polls in 2018, remember who the real Americans are.”
The President learned of the rescue programs only yesterday, when he overheard Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas joke that rescue groups helped more Puerto Rican pets than the administration helped people. When he demanded to know what Abbas meant, aids were finally forced to tell him that rescue groups were bringing homeless pets to the US.
The President turned the issue over to Homeland Security for investigation, but couldn’t resist bringing the issue to his base. He painted a picture of terrorist dogs from Puerto Rico, dogs who can’t even speak English, digging holes in neighbors yards to plant bombs and sniffing out the most loyal Americans to target them.
“He still can’t get it through his head that Puerto Ricans are Americans,” a top aid confided. “We’ve tried to explain the idea of territories but whenever he hears the word he thinks a territory is someone’s property. He even asked why the Puerto Ricans weren’t our slaves.”
“We’ve tried to explain the idea of territories but whenever the President hears the word he thinks a territory is someone’s property. He even asked why the Puerto Ricans weren’t our slaves.”
Early this morning the President Tweeted, “Am adding new conditions to the immigration deal. No more DACA dogs and no path to citizenship for pets.” A later Tweet declared, “Dems will have to cough up another $50 mil until the Mexican’s pay their bill. Need to build the wall ten feet underground so DACA dogs can’t dig under.”
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
