President Morphs Into Couch Potato
“Change was startling, but far from a surprise”
The screams of former Disney star Caroline Sunshine as she ran from the Oval Office caused no reaction. “It happens to a female assistant once or twice a month,” B.G. Kizzazz, John Kelly’s assistant deputy told The Haven.
Kelly called for all hands on deck when covert operative Rob Porter (still working for POTUS on the down low) shouted, “Jesus Christ, he’s a fking potato.”
And so he was. The 45th President of the United States turned into a potato while Tweeting at 3 am. It didn’t stop his Tweets. In fact, the President didn’t notice the change until Porter dropped a load in his pants and announced the change to the staff.
The transition was announced to the public at large at a morning press conference. “He’s in excellent health,” White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said. “He has no heartbeat, but he still weighs 236 pounds. His Tweets prove his brain activity is unimpaired. He can’t speak right now, but we’re working on it.”
“He’s in excellent health. He has no heartbeat, but he still weighs 236 pounds. His Tweets prove his brain activity is unimpaired. He can’t speak right now, but we’re working on it.”
When Sanders announced POTUS couldn’t speak, the press corp sighed in relief. “I might get a couple of hours to grab lunch with my wife,” CNN’s Jim Acosta confessed later. “If she hasn’t filed for divorce. This guy doesn’t even give us time off to check our mail.”
Other’s have questioned Sander’s assertion of 45’s mental acuity. His most recent Tweet lacks his usual bombast and bluster:
“WISH HUNT oiyo i y dfmnvuh RUSSIA pu0ucxkjbvwipu COMEY TROIPOR oihkj ciusdn iu COVFEFE.”
Sanders admitted that the White House will bill the taxpayers for the President’s new accommodations, refitting the Oval Office, Presidential bedroom, his transportation and widening the halls to make room for his stiff girth. “He could suck in his stomach when he walked the halls,” she confessed, “but the starch doesn’t give. We either shave a few inches from him or widen the hallways.”
Currently the President is propped up on a couch with pillows and access to Television monitors. Staff extended his plastic hand so that visitors could kiss his popcorn ring as a sign of respect. Since he has no ears his assistants tap on his head in Morse code, a practice many question since he doesn’t read. The odds he knows Morse code are low.
“We put a chart in front of him and tap slow,” Sanders explained. “He replies with Twitter.”
Currently the President is propped up on a couch with pillows and access to Television monitors. Staff extended his plastic hand so that visitors could kiss his popcorn ring as a sign of respect.
When asked how much the renovations would cost, Sanders suggested it wouldn’t be much. “The Trump Organization agreed to low-ball the cost if we didn’t go through formal bidding, which was very nice of them. They estimate no more than 200 billion dollars.”
“Why move him at all?” asked the New York Times’ Carl Hulse. “He can stay on the couch and save us money.”
“He’s still human,” Sanders objected. To which the entire corps responded, “No, he’s not.” “If he ever was,” one reporter added from the back.
According to Kizzazz, “the President’s change was startling, but hardly a surprise. The man ate four hundred french fries a day and his only exercise was swinging a golf club when he stepped from his cart. If he didn’t morph into a potato it would have been 336 pounds — I mean 236 pounds — of ground beef.”
“The President’s change was startling, but hardly a surprise. The man ate four hundred french fries a day and his only exercise was swinging a golf club when he stepped from his cart.”
Kizzazz added, “He has no digestive organs. In fact, he has no internal organs at all. Including a brain. But he still eats Big Macs and fries for breakfast, lunch and dinner.”
When asked if they would consider invoking the 25th Amendment every cabinet member except Nikki Haley, and every GOP member of Congress excused themselves to avoid taking any responsibility. Haley told reporters, “He can’t be any less effective than he was before.”
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
