President Sues Plush Bear
DOJ ordered to investigate violations of “personal brand”
The incident began with a child passing by the Oval Office during a White House tour clutching her new stuffed bear. It ended with the President in a rage, the child in tears and the doll ripped into pieces which were strewn across his office. After Chief of Staff John Kelly and a cadre of White House lawyers escorted the distraught family from the premises, POTUS called the Justice Department and demanded an investigation into “infringement on my personal ‘me’ brand.”
What caused the incident? Trumpy Bear, a gift from the little girl’s grandparents to celebrate her visit to the nation’s capitol. The stuffed bear wears a hair piece and eyebrows that eerily resemble the President’s, and comes with an American Flag in it’s rear end that children can wave, hang in their window, or use to wrap the bear in patriotic symbolism.
The stuffed bear wears a hair piece and eyebrows that eerily resemble the President’s, and comes with an American Flag in it’s rear end that children can wave, hang in their window, or use to wrap the bear in patriotic symbolism.
“I don’t understand the President’s reaction,” said Rip Auvf, founder of Exceptional Products, the company that manufactures the bear. It’s very popular with his supporters. Haters too, but we can’t not ship to them. That would be unconstitutional. Wait, what am I saying? I forgot who we’re talking about.”
According to Attorney General Sessions, POTUS believes Trumpy Bear violates his personal intellectual property Trademark brand by using his signature hair and eyebrows. When asked if “personal intellectual property Trademark brand” was an authentic legal concept or something pulled out of 45’s ass, he replied, “I can’t discuss that. It’s work product and covered by Executive Privilege.”
When asked if “personal intellectual property Trademark brand” was an authentic legal concept or something pulled out of 45’s ass, he replied, “I can’t discuss that. It’s work product and covered by Executive Privilege.”
Insiders at the White House say the President has already ordered them to develop a “Genuine Authentic White House Authorized Trumpy Bear,” which will be sold along with Trump Wine and Trump Steaks at the White House store. This bear will also contain a sound chip that recites his greatest hits including:
- Make America Great Again.
- Crooked Hillary.
- There are no mixed messages.
- I won the popular vote. Illegals cheated.
- I’m the best President in the history of Presidents
- Nobody has better respect for intelligence than Donald Trump.
- I’m going to build a big beautiful wall.
- It’s Obama’s fault.
“The President plans to donate the proceeds of Trumpy Bear to himself,” the source added.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
