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President protests as attendants load him into an ambulance for transfer to Trenton Psychiatric. (Pfc. Jake MT McClung)

President Swept to “Lavish Resort”

Lab coats and gurney suggest he wasn’t asked

The nation reeled in shock today when interns from the Trenton New Jersey Psychiatric Hospital presented the President’s Secret Service detail with a warrant for his commitment. They took the President into custodial care when he exited his medical exam at Walter Reed Hospital.

The scan admitting him triggered a records alert, leading Walter Reed’s medical staff to refer his records to Trenton. The flag led to the quick arrival of Trenton’s attendants before the President could escape in his SUV.

“But you promised,” the President reportedly shouted as attendants strapped him into the gurney. “No voodoo head doctors.”

“But you promised,” the President reportedly shouted as attendants strapped him into the gurney. “No voodoo head doctors.”

“Nobody would have guessed in a million years that the President escaped from a looney bin thirty years ago,” White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told shocked reporters.

John Kelly stepped to the podium and whispered in her ear. She then added. “You misheard. We have full faith in the recuperative powers of the President.”

According to records filed with a Federal Court in New Jersey, Clinton Carter, a seasonally employed bartender from Trenton, was committed after 1982 when he began telling everyone he was real estate mogul Donald J. Trump. An intake photo shows a close physical resemblance, but otherwise the two had nothing in common.

Trump the financier graduated from Wharton and founded a multi-million dollar empire. Carter, a semi-literate bartender, dropped out of Passaic High School his sophomore year. Trump was close to prominent New Yorkers and politicians. Carter’s associates claim, “the man had the mind of an eight-year-old. You wouldn’t remember him except for his ceaseless John Birch ramblings about America loosing the war on Communism and his ‘Go America’ baseball hats.”

Even in 1964 people notices Carter’s obsession with America hats. (Wikimedia)

Carter escaped from Trenton Psychiatric in 1989 although no one on staff can explain how. “We looked in his room one morning, and he was gone,” Dr. Ed S. Elferd, the hospital’s former director told The Haven. “it was as though someone gave him the key.”

The escape happened the year Trump fell from the Forbes 400 list and first filed for bankruptcy. The coincidence is too strong for current hospital administrator, Dr. B.T. Crocker. She told the Washington Post, “We think Carter inserted himself into the President’s life about that time, although no one can explain how. We know that within two years the real estate titan lost his fortune and watched his marriage dissolve.”

Asked why the hospital took so long to spot the imposter, Crocker replied, “We were so focused on finding Carter our staff had no time to follow the news. It never dawned on us that an escaped mental patient might pose as a figure that well known.”

“Big mistake,” she added. “Hello. He makes Berkowitz look like Obama. What were we thinking?”

“We were so focused on finding Carter our staff had no time to follow the news. It never dawned on us that an escaped mental patient might pose as a figure that well known. Hello. He makes Berkowitz look like Obama. What were we thinking?”

John Kelly, the President’s Chief of Staff demanded a mental evaluation be prepared to prove the man claiming to be President is, in fact, clinically insane. The patient failed on multiple accounts with a panel of twelve respected psychiatrists all agreeing on a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder, paranoia, and complete and utter ignorance. [1]

The panel also conjectured that his mental illness degraded because of prion disease. “We would have to do a brain biopsy to be sure, but a man can’t eat that many Big Macs without devouring a mad cow,” one of the panelists suggested off the record.

“A man can’t eat that many Big Macs without devouring a mad cow,” a medical expert suggested.

Even though no one can explain how Carter took the real President’s place while the entrepreneur vanished from sight, conspiracy theories abound. Aliens, the CIA and Putin have all been suggested, but the most accepted theory to date is that Trump’s mob connections weren’t happy with his growing fame, and replaced him with the more controllable, look-alike Carter.

Reporters questioned key lawmakers about the possibility of invoking the twenty-fifth amendment. Consensus is to leave the status quo. Chuck Schumer told reporters “The President’s totally nuts, but so far he’s just proven incompetent. His next-in-line scares the shit out of both parties.”

[1]: The last diagnosis, while not in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, was verified by an IQ test (which returned a result of 64) and the patient’s failure to write a coherent statement longer than 280 characters.

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

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Phillip T Stephens

Phillip T Stephens

Living metaphor. Follow me @stephens_pt.