Subscription Boxes For Your Affair With Jeff, That Guy From Marketing.
The “Late Night Talks” Coffee Box
Jeff can only talk on the phone when his wife is asleep. At first, waiting up past 1 am for his call will feel sexy and taboo, but months of late-nights will leave you exhausted. This box of fresh gourmet coffee beans will keep you awake and feigning interest through Jeff’s barely audible dirty talk. Because nothing says “leave your wife” like putting his emotional needs before your own health! Box includes specialty coffee blends like:
- “Phone Sex Was Invented By A Man Dark Roast”
- “Am I Still A Feminist? Hickory Blend”
- “He Swears Counseling Didn’t Help Espresso” — with subtle notes of chocolate, rose, and early warning signs.
The “Supply Closet Picnic” Snack Box
You’ll spend lots of quality time making out with Jeff in the basement supply closet where Janet from accounting goes to snort coke. (Seriously, Janet. Get help). You’ll be sure to work up an appetite after spending months explaining to Jeff that waiting until the kids are in college to go through with the divorce is actually a disservice to the kids — -so have a snack handy! This box of artisanal treats includes:
- Ghost peppers: Because the pain temporarily replaces the knowledge that your issues manifest in a tendency toward destructive relationships.
- Glass Marbles: Not technically a food, but great for training your body to swallow resentment.
- Peanut M&M’s: A treat you and Jeff both love, and one of the things you’ll connect over early in your “relationship.” Enjoy them while you can, because by the end of this they’re going to taste like three wasted years.
The “Hotel Hookup” Romance Box
The first night Jeff tells his wife he’s working late so you two can meet up a motel, you’ll feel like all your dreams of being Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies have come true. But by year two you’ll start to wonder how you fell for a guy whose idea of foreplay is saying, “Watch the nails, my wife noticed the scratch marks last time.” Stay ready for anything with this box of sexy novelties for the mistress on-the-go! Items Include:
- A Blindfold: To simplify the process of imagining another man.
- Two Red Votive Candles: These sexy scented candles create the ideal lighting to convince Jeff your grimace of dissatisfaction is actually a sultry pout.
- Leather Crotchless Panties: Perfect for muffling your sobs of self-loathing from the bathroom as Jeff answers his wife’s fifteenth phone call.
The “Gossip Machine” Crafting Box
After three years of on-again/off-again emotional turmoil, you’ll finally realize that this schmuck is never leaving his wife and that it’s time to escape before you age out of your dream wedding. But Jeff manages rejection the same way he does his expense report — -by lying to cover his own flat ass.
This box of DIY crafts will keep you entertained for hours as you watch the professional reputation you’ve built over twelve years in corporate communications go down the shitter because the entire office thinks you’re some kind of maniac who’s been stalking Jeff when in actuality you were the best thing to ever happen to that man since he successfully cheated his way through Cornell. Items include:
- Vodka: Fuck crafting, you’re ruined.
The “Karma’s A Bitch” Spirituality Box
After several emergency sessions with your therapist, and an awkward meeting with HR about charges from the motel near the office on Jeff’s expense reports, you’ll be ready to move on to a better place. A zen place. Embrace good vibes with this box of tools for spiritual enlightenment. Items Include:
- A Rose Quartz: This rustic, unpolished rose quartz shard is perfect for restoring balance to your heart chakra. Also great for scratching “WORTHLESS” ninety times across the hood of Jeff’s Lexus.
- White Sage: The aroma of cleansing sage banishes negative energy as you burn the clothes he left in the trunk of your car.
- Statue of Kali: Meditate in front of this hand painted statue of Kali, the Hindu goddess of destruction, as you take a deep breath and call Jeff’s wife.
