Transcript of the Elf on the Oval Office Shelf’s Testimony

E. R. Catalano
Dec 21, 2017 · 4 min read

Before the House Judiciary Committee

Simpler times. When naughty could hide behind a well-placed tree branch.

CHAIRMAN GOODLATTE: When you appeared before the committee previously, you stated you were unaware agents representing Christmastown planned to travel to the Island of Misfit Toys, but according to the testimony of a fellow elf, Mr. Page, he told you his plans.

JEFFY THE ELF: I have no recollection of this.

GOODLATTE: You also said you had no communications with known associates of King Moonracer, but now we know you were present at a networking event in the Gumdrop Forest at which the Train with Square Wheels was also in attendance.

JEFFY THE ELF: I don’t recall that.

GOODLATTE: The public record indicates you were there in your official capacity as EOTSOTUS, and videotape shows you hanging off the side of the punch bowl in humorous fashion.

JEFFY THE ELF: I don’t remember but I’m sure I never moved and thus would’ve had no direct contact with the Train with Square Wheels. Furthermore, if anyone present had touched me, I would’ve lost my magic.

GOODLATTE: You also said you don’t recall being present at the meeting in the Oval Office where direct messages on Twitter from the WikiLeak Warlock from the Mountain of the Whispering Winds were discussed.

JEFFY THE ELF: I concede my presence, since others say I was there, but I can’t confirm who else was there or what was discussed with any certainty as my view was limited.

GOODLATTE: Yes, in previous testimony you said, and I quote: “I was lying face down in a field of candy canes and covered in peppermint bark. And I couldn’t move until after everyone went to bed otherwise I’d lose all my magic.”

JEFFY THE ELF: That sounds like me.

GOODLATTE: Lying, lying down, I ask you, what is the difference? Nothing further. The Chair recognizes Representative Jordan from Ohio.

REPRESENTATIVE JORDAN: Well, I just want to say we’re a nation of Grinches to allow the slander of such a great Elf as Jeffy. The idea of throwing him under the sled or, for that matter, placing him beneath any holiday vehicle in some festive tableau is wrong. The real travesty is there are people out there right now in our beloved Christmastown who believe it’s okay to open presents Christmas Eve instead of Christmas morning. [smattering of applause]

GOODLATTE: Representative Buck.

REPRESENTATIVE BUCK: I don’t need my allotted time to say that in the years I’ve known Jeffy, he has always behaved in the manner befitting his station, that is, completely still and silent in poses of innocent holiday mischief, and I for one believe it’s time we make it the law of Christmastown that every household put their presents under a real tree, not an artificial one. Preferably a Douglas or Frazier fir. Minimum six feet tall. [applause mixed with boos]

REPRESENTATIVE BASS: [breaking in]: My colleague forgets that fake trees are better for the environment. [again, applause mixed with boos] The more important issue concerns inclusivity and a person should be able to say Happy Holidays without some hothead spitting Merry Christmas at you! Not everyone celebrates Christmas. [audible gasps]

REPRESENTIVE JACKSON LEE: Trees are meaningless. Follow the silver and gold! [Holds up photo of Donner and Blitzen pushing dollar bills through the bars of a solid-gold birdcage. Inside the birdcage is Jeffy the Elf, positioned as if licking powdered sugar off the chest of a topless Barbie doll.] Do you deny you were seen in the company of these foreign agents with proven ties to Rudolph the Red?

JEFFY THE ELF: I don’t remember that, and, furthermore, I am not 100 percent responsible for the scenarios I find myself in. Who is? Well, except for Ms. Roberts, whose presence, I can assure everyone, was consensual. Plus, due to my position, I clearly couldn’t have known anyone else was there. In conclusion, the blame should not fall on me but rather on the voyeuristic society we live in. [uncertain clapping]

GOODLATTE: Final question: Is it true, as reported in the New York Times, that you told the Little Drummer Boy that Nightmare Before Christmas is not a Christmas movie and yet at the same time claim that Die Hard is? [more gasps]

JEFFY THE ELF: I don’t read that carefully. All I can say is there’s no recusing yourself when you’re an Elf on the Shelf. I have to conform to the positions I’m put in, and I can’t move until the day is over, and sometimes it seems like the day is never over because my person has many sleepless nights where he roams around and sometimes, sometimes he touches me, and I feel the magic flee from my body a little more each time. No matter how many puerile positions I must assume, no matter how many permanent stains I’ve suffered on the outside, there’re nothing to the ones on the inside that will never be clean again. I fear it would take more than all the raindrops on roses and all the whiskers on kittens in the world to bring my magic back now. [dissolves in tears]

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