Welcome to Hawaii
Drop by for a spectacular view
The volcano season has returned to Hawaii and tourism is down by half. This development came as a surprise to Honolulu’s Chamber of Commerce Chairman MK Buck. “We haven’t had a volcanic display like this since I was a kid. And people are staying away? F**king idiots!”
Buck’s solution? A nationwide ad campaign to remind tourists what we’re missing.
“This is a lifetime opportunity,” Buck swears. “How often do you have a chance to step into the path of fast running lava and capture video of the explosions on your iPhone?”
Hawaiian tourist bureaus now offer three packages with their “Love the Heat” campaign:
- By Land. Led by a robotic tour guide, visitors wade up the lava flow wearing asbestos gators. While the guide points out the sites of former landmarks (now buried under rubble), guests capture memorable moments on their cell phones or with disposable cameras.[1]
- By Sea. Guests approach the volcano in outrigger canoes steered by experienced native guides. While guides share native stories and folklore about Kilauea’s wrath, tourists can watch the toxic gasses rolling toward them with binoculars, or capture the memories on their phones. A few lucky guests who find themselves caught in the wind currents will experience the joy of paddling for their lives to escape surrounding fumes.
- By Air. Tourists fly over Kilauea in hot air balloons during explosions. The tour guide drops them into the crater while attached to a steel cable to video the emerging lava and fireballs.
Every package is advertised with the slogan: “Dress for the heat,” and every guest receives an honorary t-shirt that reads: “I survived Kilauea” on the front and “Drop by for a spectacular view” on the back. Basic packages began at $12,000 per person to enjoy the luxury of pitching tents and camping on recent lava flows. Braver tourists will catch poisoned fish floating past to cook for dinner. Packages with hotel accommodations run as low as $35,000 per person.
“Bookings are up five percent,” Buck admitted. We hope to reach capacity before the Volcano goes dormant and people no longer have anything to attract them.
All packages are fully insured.[2]
[1]:Available at an extra charge.
[2]:For an additional $500 per person, extra for children, double for people over 250 pounds. Policies pay the cost of return ticket for the caskets.
Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:
- Allan Ishac
- Steven Rouach
- The White House Log, a roundup of my reporting.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
