White Guys Furious at POTUS
”Why aren’t our job numbers the best in history?”
In a backlash for continued announcements that black, Hispanic and women’s unemployment is the lowest in history, white guys around America want to know when it’s their turn. “He bragged and bragged and bragged and bragged. Got the best job rate in history, the ni… our black brothers and then the Mexicans. All got the best job rate in history,” complained YN Allot, an unemployed food server in Kansas, the reddest of red states. “We waited to hear our job rate was the lowest. Never happened.”
“Women didn’t elect the President, Hispanics hate the guy, and he got, what, two percent of black voters? But we take the back seat on jobs,” Cam Planer, out-of-work steel worker, griped. “Once the witch hunt started, he got off the jobs. We figure our turn is finally coming. Then the French guy shows up, the President practically sticks his tongue down the guy’s throat, and he goes off on how good jobs is. For women, and immigrants. All the immigrants. Including the black ones. Never a historic job market for white guys. We still don’t rank. He sent all those Mexicans back. How come we don’t get their jobs?”
“Never a historic job market for white guys. We still don’t rank. He sent all those Mexicans back. How come we don’t get their jobs?”
“My final straw is his love fest with the rapper Conehead,” admitted coal miner, Blake Loong, still waiting for a call back to work after six years of unemployment. “He promised to give me a job. Looked at me from the TV and said, ‘I’m giving you your job back,’ and all he gives back is more promotion for rappers. F**k that.”
He followed with a rap of his own:
White guys gettin’ tired o’
black guys gettin jobs while
we still gettin’ fired
Prez, he sez, I’m your man
but I’m still sittin’ on my can
broke ’n broker
no money for beer ’n poker
coal power, white power
f**k no, my only work is
pushin’ my lawn mower
The President’s claims bring little comfort to those they’re intended to comfort — blacks, women and Hispanics who know how far off the mark the comments are. Instead he claims slap the members of his base on their faces — uneducated white men and the women too timid or too clueless to talk back. Every time he takes credit for record job numbers for minorities and women, he reminds his supporters he’s delivered little more than brags.
“He’s s’posed to be one of us,” unemployed construction worker S.R. Apple posted on Facebook from Kansas City. “He’s the guy who reminded America that the Klan’s the good guys to (sic). Then he talks about jobs, he tells us jobs are better than ever. I still don’t have no job. Harly’s gonna lay off my wife cause of his stupid trade deals. And he never ever says white guy jobs are the best in history. He never tells us how good white guy jobs are at all.”
At a recent Klan lodge meeting in Corn Hole, a town of six hundred deep in East Texas, members postponed efforts to encourage a black family to “vacate their new home in one of our clean and healthy neighborhoods.” Instead they polished off Pearl Beer from cans floating in a sixteen gallon washtub while they planned a robbery.
The reason? “We’re broke.” The speaker was the lodge treasurer who couldn’t find spare change for gasoline and matches. “No one’s got jobs to pay dues. We thought the President was gonna fix this. He promised. But to hear him talk, he’s giving all the jobs to the women, niers and meskins. Ain’t nothing to brag about, you ask me.”
“We thought the President was gonna fix this. He promised. But to hear him talk, he’s giving all the jobs to the women, niers and meskins. Ain’t nothing to brag about, you ask me.”
“Can’t trust a New York banker type,” the lodge’s Sergeant at Arms agreed. He also asked to remain anonymous even though a framed newspaper clipping with his name and photo sat on the trophy case.[1] “He may say he’s one of us, but once you’re in debt to the Jews, they own your ass.”
“The Jews and the Russians,” the Treasurer broke in.
“Right. The Jews and the Russians.”
POTUS’s strategy may seem counterproductive, but it’s surprisingly successful. Pundits and political professionals speculate the strategy cost support in his base, but his support remains solid, only their approval of his record has diminished.
“Am I gonna vote for him?” Klan member Bubba pondered. The Bubbas didn’t mind their first names being reported since more than two hundred Bubbas live in Corn Hole. Neither, for that matter, did the Billy Joes and Billy Bobs and Bobby Bobs, since their names were as common as the rust on their pickup trucks.
In answer to the question, Bubba brightened and proclaimed, “Hell, yes. His values are all right even if he’s more mouth than money.”
Will you vote for POTUS in 2020? “Hell, yes. His values are all right even if he’s more mouth than money.”
“Damn straight,” Bubba 2 agreed, toasting with a can of Pearl. “Don’t want another Hillary, or Nancy Peloski.”
“Or Obama,” Bubba pitched in. He touched his last match to a napkin and they saluted the confederate flag while it burned on the floor.
When asked what they want most from the President, the members couldn’t agree. Bubba suggested, “We get the best job records, then he can take credit for the meskins, then for the women then the coloreds.
Bobby Bob broke in, “No, Us first, then meskins, colored and women.”
Billy Bob asked, “We talkin all women or white women?”
“Good point,” Bubba acknowledged. “How bout we get best jobs record, then our women, then meskin men, then their women and who gives a shit about the coloreds?”
Everyone agreed and grabbed another beer from the tub. As soon as they popped the tops, Billy Joe asked, “What about the trans queers?”
“Send ’em to Thailand,” Bobby Bob suggested. “They’ll thank us cause trans queers make more’n women hookers in Thailand.”
“Didn’t you spend all your time in Thailand during your tour?” Bubba 3 pointed out.
Bobby Bob hurled his beer at Bubba 3, spilling its contents on two members. Fortunately beer stains already covered their robes. “Not for the trans queers,” he shouted.
“How would you know till after you paid?” Bubba 3 shouted back. The two men pulled each other to the floor, grabbing, wrestling and tugging. The other members piled into the tussle.
In conclusion, in spite of almost universal anger, POTUS supporters will forgive him anything. Will it last? Planer answered, “As long as there are Democrats and white men left to fight for liberty, we’re behind him.”
[1]: The Haven can’t identify the speaker, but we can identify a quarterback for the 1983 high school state championship runners-up in seven man football.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
