I still pick a side
Learning to live independently after a separation.
It’s the end of the evening and I am ready to call it a day. It’s been one of those days where I haven’t done a single thing and yet all I can think of is laying on my bed. I put down my phone on the side table, and slide under the sheets. I instinctively turn to my left and notice that nearly half of the bed is unoccupied. “I should sleep in the middle of the bed”, a thought crosses over my mind, “like a maniac.” For the next half hour, I try out different sleep positions. The goal, I decide, is to utilize at least 75% of the bed.
I hate all of the positions I try, particularly the one where I sleep diagonally with my head on one side and my legs on the other. Maniac. While I was mildly tired before, I am now actively irritated. I sit up.
Old habits are a bitch to get rid of. I had my side of the bed and he had his. I got used to that arrangement. Right side mine, left side his. Simple. Occupying the entirety of the bed, sleeping in the middle, or even skooching a bit over that imaginary line demarking our sides of the bed seems insane to me for some reason. I used to be a rebel, mind you. I was strictly a person who slept in the middle with enough room on both sides for my laptop, my phone, my stuffed toy and my kindle. Now I am a functioning member of the society who chooses to keep distractions away from the sleeping zone.
Getting Used To It
While ‘Which Side to Sleep on’ is the question on my mind currently, it’s only been one of the many things I have had to get used to after we separated. The first month I was on my own I could never figure out how much groceries to buy. I’d either make too much food or too little. I wasted some food trying to figure that out. But I got used to it.
Driving on my own initially was no fun especially considering I hated driving. I wasn’t used to driving long distances alone or even short ones for that matter apart from driving to and back from office. That one took a long time getting used to. But I got used to it.
Going to restaurants alone wasn’t fun. Going to movies alone was easier but I still felt pretty stupid doing it alone. Going shopping alone was the hardest. Thanks to the pandemic though, I got used to be on my own first and then I got used to doing these things.
I had learned to let my guard down and let someone in. I had learned to depend on somebody. It didn’t matter whether I depended on him for trivial or substantial things; I had a person. The realization that I had to let go of that secure feeling was the toughest. But I got used to it.
Discovery
What they say about time and healing is absolutely true. The process of letting go is a tough one, there’s no sugar coating it. I had to actively practice mindfulness, compassion, and work through anger and acceptance. I had to let go of the whys, but, what ifs and if onlys. But I discovered something magical through that process. What?
The moment I stopped questioning my food habits, I realized I could enjoy my taste in food. I could explore all the flavors because I had nothing else to consider but if ‘I’ liked it or not. I could make my food as spicy or bland as ‘I’ wanted. I could eat whatever I wanted like squid, octopus, oysters, worms or alligators. There was nothing stopping me.
I discovered that playing music on long drives could get pretty boring pretty fast. I discovered my love for listening to true crime podcasts and exclusively only listened to them on my drives. Some would say that I am now addicted to those podcasts (you know who you are) but whatever. I also rediscovered my love for audiobooks. For a non-driver, I surpassed even my expectations when I put more than 5000 miles in 7 weeks when I was traveling through Colorado and Utah. All thanks to true crime and serial killer podcasts, and audiobooks.
I rediscovered my love for museums. Traveling for almost a year taught me that I don’t really like doing ‘touristy’ stuff. I love exploring history of the place, I love understanding art, and I love understanding the architectural influences of the places I visit. I love pools and hot tubs and I don’t really care for expensive lounges. And do I dare say — I love exploring nature as well. If I can accommodate a stargazing experience, I will.
Support
Most importantly, I realized the significance of having a support system in my life. I learned to replace that one person with a village of people who were always seemingly there for me but I had not bothered to look. I am so grateful to be able to call them my people and have them in my life.
I am not alone. Apparently, I never was.
So though I may not have yet figured out where I should sleep on my bed, I have figured out the best part about separation — ME. I am learning how to be a whole person again.
It’s a journey and regardless of what events brought me here, I am grateful that I could, someday, be able to answer “What is Prachi like?”
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