The Lived Experience of Trans People
I’m a Trans Woman Who Can’t Transition
My Life With Gender Dysphoria
So I finally realized I was a transwoman at 17, but there's a story behind that and after it as well.
Let's start from when I was a kid when I used to go with my friends to play, there were those girls who walked and hanged out together, I used to look at them but not out of lust, I used to look at them the "I Miss You" look, the “I wanted to be hanging out with you right now” look.
Days passed and I got older, and o got my hands and legs hair, subconsciously I found myself shaving it, I used to shave my leg hair for a few years and I showed my parents, at first they didn't say anything to me, but then when I was 10 or 11, my mom told me to stop cause men don't shave, I wasn't convinced so I kept shaving, but then my dad told me again that I must stop cause men shouldn't shave only women can, I got disappointed I hated how my leg and hand hair grew at that time I didn't know what Dysphoria was and even if it was possible for a man to have a woman's brain.
Years passed and I kept having those weird feelings that I never understood, I started doing what any teenage do, I started watching porn and masturbating, even though porn is fake but still, women seemed to be enjoying it more so I started googling the female body and sexual parts, I understood what's female orgasm and how they get more pleasure than men and how amazing they are, at 17 I was heading back home after school with one of my best friends and I told him about it he told me that women do have better orgasms and more pleasure, I went home and Dysphoria hit me again, I started hating myself again and I wanted female body but still, I didn't know that I had Dysphoria at that time.
The REALIZATION
I started using google to search my symptoms, hating my body, hating being a male, wanting so bad to be a woman, look like one, act like one, dress like one.
I used applications like Quora and YouTube, I searched a lot, I learned a lot, and I knew that what I had called gender dysphoria, I knew what it was like, I knew I wasn't alone, I knew it affected 1% of the population, which is around 75 million individual, I did my calculations and I believe there are around 1 million trans people in Egypt (total of 100 million more or less).
Now I could explain all the feelings I had and all the urges to be a woman, I knew I wasn't pretending, I knew it's possible to be a male but wanting to be a woman and vice versa.
I knew about the hormone therapy and sex reassignment surgery, it gave me hope, I was happy I could actually to that and transition, but unfortunately, I started searching about being a trans in my religion, and my religion curses men who act, wear, talk, walk or do anything like women and vice versa (women talking, acting, wearing like men).
It destroyed me, I got severely depressed, I failed my year at college, I became lonely I became a negative person after I was probably the most positive person my friends knew, I had to deal with daily discomfort knowing I can't be a woman, knowing I have to be patient till I die and go to heaven so I can finally have my dream come true.
I started controlling my emotions but still, I go through the daily discomfort, especially when I see a lovely lady or a lovely female outfit or lingerie shops....etc.
Dysphoria killed me and I couldn't fight back cause I am sure my religion won't allow it and my family would probably disown me or think I am crazy.
I started talking with other transgender people online, I talked with a trans woman who taught me even more about what it means being a trans, and how to deal with it, she showed me that being a trans actually is something inside our brains, like a birth defect.
As you can see, it’s nothing that I chose. If it were up to me I would have liked to be a cis woman who no inner problems with my gender identity.
