Will I Ever Have Sex Again?

A transgender person goes through so many things, but now my biggest wonder is if I will want to have sex again or if I even can.

Rachel Brindell
Oct 18, 2020 · 3 min read
Image for post
Image for post
Photo by Pablo Merchán Montes on Unsplash

For background, I am 63 years old and have been transitioning for two and a half years. It’s also important to note that my wife of 30 years passed away about 10 months ago. She was my only partner since 1989. I’d also like to point out that I am not ready to have a relationship or to date another person at this time. When I may be ready is anyone’s guess. This musing is not a plea to find sexual partners. If that’s what I wanted I would go to a dating website.

So, what am I trying to say here exactly? I want to help people understand the fears, anxiety, and even excitement related to this trans person’s ability, inability or desire to start having sex after transitioning. As an MTF trans person, one of the first things I experienced on my testosterone blockers was an inability to have an erection, not to mention my libido ran away, arms flailing never to be seen or heard from again. Did it end up in a universe far far away? Perhaps one day it will be discovered on a star ship or in a TARDIS. But for now, let’s just say that I am for all intents and purposes a virgin.

It certainly feels like I’m a virgin. I have no idea how to have sex, and it’s like starting over. Hell, I don’t even know if my next partner will be of any specific gender, trans or not. But I do know this. I will have to learn all over again, how to use my body to give and receive sexual pleasure. That scares the crap out of me. There are so many unanswered questions that I never had to concern myself with before.

· Will I be a success or a failure as I learn?

· Will the anxiety prevent me from performing?

· Will my partner (she, he or they) be patient with me?

· Will they want to explore this or just get their rocks off?

· How will I explain any of this to a prospective sexual partner beforehand? Or should I?

· Which of my parts will I find erogenous?

On the other hand, this can also be a time of great discovery and satisfaction, which is why I also feel to a degree excited about the prospect. Knowing myself as I do, I know the first time I have sex will not be a result of being horny, but rather because I have made a somewhat deep connection with the person in question. It’s just who I am. Perhaps I should be identifying as a demi-sexual, but I’ll leave that for another musing. But I am hopeful that with the right person, I can achieve a level of satisfaction not found on earth before. Or so I hope.

So, while I wait to see if my desire for sex or another relationship returns, I will remain full of trepidation, anxiety, and excitement.

Empowered Trans Woman

Highlighting the experience of women of trans experience.

Sign up for Empowered Trans Woman Updates

By Empowered Trans Woman

Keeping you in the loop. Take a look

By signing up, you will create a Medium account if you don’t already have one. Review our Privacy Policy for more information about our privacy practices.

Check your inbox
Medium sent you an email at to complete your subscription.

Rachel Brindell

Written by

Transgender woman who believes in being visible to bring enlightenment and understanding, and perhaps some inspiration can be found. Writer, Guitarist, Singer

Empowered Trans Woman

Highlighting the experience of women of trans experience. Transition, Womanhood, Feminism, Intersectionality, Transphobia, Marginalization and Assimilation, and more.

Rachel Brindell

Written by

Transgender woman who believes in being visible to bring enlightenment and understanding, and perhaps some inspiration can be found. Writer, Guitarist, Singer

Empowered Trans Woman

Highlighting the experience of women of trans experience. Transition, Womanhood, Feminism, Intersectionality, Transphobia, Marginalization and Assimilation, and more.

Medium is an open platform where 170 million readers come to find insightful and dynamic thinking. Here, expert and undiscovered voices alike dive into the heart of any topic and bring new ideas to the surface. Learn more

Follow the writers, publications, and topics that matter to you, and you’ll see them on your homepage and in your inbox. Explore

If you have a story to tell, knowledge to share, or a perspective to offer — welcome home. It’s easy and free to post your thinking on any topic. Write on Medium

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store