Toxic Masculinity to Toxic-by-Default Masculinity: The Potential for a Post-Male Romantic Community
There is no explanation from a man that is immune from assumptions of toxic mansplaining, including this essay. In the same respect, there is no explanation-of-an-explanation from a man that is immune from assumptions of toxic gaslighting, including this explanation. I admit to writing this article from a point of defeated deficit, ready and willing to acknowledge that the contents within can and will be seen as toxic mansplaining and gaslighting, despite that not being my intention…
Women are strong and independent, empowered with great intelligence that some men find intimidating. Perhaps it’s time men not respond defensively to the accusation of being insecure and intimidated by strong, independent women. Instead of arguing that men are not insecure or intimidated, perhaps it’s time that men proclaim that they are proudly, without shame, gloriously insecure and intimidated by strong, independent women. Inevitably, the question that will likely follow such an admission will be, “who hurt you?” No matter the answer, whether it’s “everyone”, or “no one”, or anything in between, the key is that the admission likely will not result in victim-blaming. After all, the answer to the question of “who hurt you” may differ from man to man, but the fact remains that men are hurting, as referenced by data related to male depression and suicide.
Perhaps men should neither become defensive, nor offensive, opting instead to begin exiting the romantic marketplace altogether. All men represent the potential threat for toxicity and harm (harassment, abuse, assault, etc.) committed by some men, and it may be men’s responsibility to discontinue all romantic interaction with women. Although toxicity can be addressed, both proactively and reactively, the only way to evolve from a reduction into a full eradication of all potential toxicity would be to discontinue all romantic interaction. The potential for toxicity makes it such that choosing to interact could be considered misogynistic because men would be entering into an environment that opens the door for that potential. Although many men will not become toxic, all men have the potential to be. Thus, the responsibility falls upon men to address toxicity by eliminating all potential for it.
As the evolution of language has adopted concepts like mansplaining and gaslighting as mainstream, masculinity has evolved from select traditionally masculine behaviors being deemed toxic into masculinity being toxic by default. On the opposite end of harm and hostility, benevolent sexism is becoming an issue. Male feminists are often considered cringy as textbook benevolent sexists. Holding doors open, offering jackets, paying for dates, and generally providing for women are examples of benevolent sexism, behaviors that may be well-intended but still communicate underlying assumptions that men are doing for women what they don’t believe women can do for themselves.
When men approach women in public, it puts women in an awkward position to entertain a conversation that they may not want to have, responding favorably to not cause a scene or hurt men’s feelings. When men approach women in private, it triggers the fight or flight response and women are compelled to entertain a conversation out of fear of what could happen if they don’t (harassment, abuse, assault, etc.) Men, perhaps rightfully so, are often seen as potential threats, guilty even when innocent.
There has been a rise in women approaching men in public and in private settings, though this scenario does little, if anything, to mitigate the potential for toxicity. In fact, men may be even more toxic toward women who approach them because of a validated sense of entitlement, putting women at even greater risk of harm than when men approach women in public or in private.
Online interactions appeared safe until we realized that men have already been toxic toward women in the short time virtual reality has been in existence. The metaverse already has a groping problem that has escalated to at least one incident of virtual sexual assault. On the topic of sexual assault, there are growing conversations as to whether or not a retroactive withdrawal of consent would constitute sexual assault. Meaning, even if a man and a woman consent to a sexual encounter, the potential for later regretting consent given being classified as sexual assault is an ongoing conversation. There are some men who even fear performing CPR on a woman or intervening when a woman is being sexually assaulted. If we aspire to believe all women, then we must trust the truth in their trauma and take action to prevent any potential for harm.
A post-male romantic community warrants little-to-no romantic interaction by and with men, no matter the forum. While not all women desire a post-male romantic community, enough do that all men should at least consider bearing the responsibility of taking action by pulling themselves out of the romantic marketplace altogether, proactively eradicating all potential for toxicity. New research finds that women who are unmarried and childless are the happiest people of all, suggesting that men should not pursue marriage and/or parenthood with women if they genuinely care for women’s happiness.
There is no shortage of substitutes for romantic interactions today: investing, fitness, gaming, travel, education, just to name a few. Procreation and the continuation of humanity may be of concern to some men, but science has already begun exploring bone-marrow babies, cloning, etc., making men’s role in procreation soon-to-be obsolete, giving rise to the number of vasectomies as well as the concept of killing all men and the notion that all heterosexual sex is rape.
Since the dawn of time, man has been in pursuit of woman. It is clear now that woman has long tired of man’s pursuit. In a society that is trending toward gender affirmation, the fact that masculinity is excluded from affirmation tells us that men are not exactly welcome at the table, it may be time to dine elsewhere.
