A List of Outfits in Which You Will Still Be Catcalled
You are well aware, thanks to all of the #NotAllMen men on your Twitter feed, that if you are a woman wearing a miniskirt and/or heels and/or makeup, you are just asking for attention and shouldn’t be upset if some stranger on the street tells you to “smile” or that you are “looking sexy” or that he wants to “lick you.” Don’t you know that’s a compliment? But what if you’re a stuck-up bitch who hates compliments?
You’ve tried maxi dresses and jeans and wool sweaters with bobbles and adjustable length hiking pants and banana-yellow raincoats, but the compliments keep coming! And yes, you’ve considered that maybe you should just stay inside your home if you don’t want to be loudly and aggressively complimented, but things like “work” and “friends and family” and “getting food” and “sunlight” get in the way of this otherwise solid plan.
So what can you wear that says: “Hey guys! I kinda don’t want to know what you think about my tits right now! I’m just on my way to the local bookshop to buy some more books that I probably will not get around to reading and that will then make me feel guilty every time I glance at my bookshelf”? Here are some options that still won’t get that message across!
A clown costume:
Whether you are considering a classic circus clown look or want to go a more obscure route with an outfit that brings to mind the stock characters of commedia dell’arte, it won’t matter at all to the guys who are going to catcall you despite that red rubber nose. Look, I know what you are thinking: Yes, lots of people are afraid of clowns. But fear is a powerful aphrodisiac! Plus, when you dress as a clown, you really can’t be mad when guys tell you to smile, now can you?
A Handmaid’s robe:
Sure, the fictional women who wear these robes are forced to undergo violations of their bodies and minds that gave you nightmares when you first read the novel in college and again when you watched the show, but all that your catcallers will be thinking is “Those chicks are totes DTF, right?” Yes, you and I both know that’s an offensive misunderstanding of this seminal work by Margaret Atwood, but you can’t expect the guys who ask what you’re wearing underneath the robes to have any familiarity with a book written by a woman. Blessed be the fruit!
A general sense of unease?
You mean like the look you normally wear when walking home late at night and some asshole decides to walk next to you and ask, “Hurrying home to your boyfriend?” Come on now: You have to know that this never works.
Resting bitch face and a can of mace:
Men like a challenge, and a woman who looks like she might grievously injure them if they get too close is a fantastic challenge.
A suit of armor made from papier-mâchéd copies of Octavia Butler’s classic novels Parable of the Sower and Parable of the Talents assembled in such a way as to prominently display the sections of text that are most critical of the white-supremacist, heteronormative, patriarchal nightmare in which we are currently living:
Nope!
A literal cat suit (as in: a suit into which you have sewn numerous pockets for the express purpose of placing a multitude of cats):
Walking around with what amounts to cuddly bodyguards with knives on their hands may seem like it would be a deterrent, but the number of pussy puns just there for the grabbing will prove to be too tempting.
A dress made of menstrual cups:
You know what? Maybe.
