Extremely Honest Guidelines for Specialty Niche Local Literary Quarterly Review Journal

We are currently OPEN to all manner of specifically crafted and locally precise fiction, poetry, nonfiction and memoir pieces (let’s be honest, memoir could fit in all three other categories so it deserves a mention all its own!), by writers who eschew the Comic Sans font and all other sans serif fonts.

1. We require exclusive submissions. We understand writing is an arduous though immensely fulfilling task, but once you’ve submitted to us, please be working on the next piece rather than sending your piece all around town. We require at least eighteen [18] months to consider your piece via the seven [7] layers of meaning (John Steinbeck’s five [5] layers, plus the extra two [2] we’ve discovered here, in house).
2. This is a highly specialized, literary magazine with discerning taste and the distinctive local flair The [REDACTED] Area is known for, so if you don’t live in The [REDACTED] Area, you probably have no idea what our tastes are, or even what taste is, therefore you may want to relocate to The [REDACTED] Area to immerse yourself in the complex, innovative and diverse literary values of the one and only [REDACTED] Area before submitting. If you choose this latter option, we believe a full year of living in The [REDACTED] Area will give the barest minimum of the immersion required before submitting to our publication.
3. Please do not list your credentials unless you’ve been published in a nationally recognized magazine of literary repute, one the editors of this magazine have been sure to read. Likewise, please list only nationally recognized prizes, such as the Pushcart. Or global prizes, such as a Pulitzer.
4. Because we do read the first line, or in some cases, the first word of each submission, and because we do employ MFA graduates (well, in full disclosure, these are unpaid internships that instead pay via the privilege of exposure to our literary journal, though we do provide snacks on occasion), we request a small submission fee to help cover costs. Our automated submission manager will assess the fee based on word count after you have uploaded your manuscript, approximately one [1] cent per word (We use a complex algorithm that is slightly higher for submissions outside of The [REDACTED] Area and slightly lower for residents of The [REDACTED] Area. All fees will be rounded up.).
5. Also, we require that you buy a two-year subscription to Specialty Niche Local Literary Quarterly Review Journal upon uploading your work. Handy, since should your piece be accepted, you will already have your contributor copy! Our automated submission manager will assess the fee, and yes, you must purchase a two-year subscription (that’s four issues!!) at $49.95 USD for each submission. Yes, we realize our name suggests we produce four issues a year, but costs in producing quality reading material are high (paper tariffs!) and we’ve reduced to two issues per year. If you read each issue twice, as all the best writers do, it will seem as if you’ve received four issues per year.
6. As mentioned, you may submit as many manuscripts as you wish (our submission manager will automatically add the fee and the subscription renewals for each uploaded submission). We deeply respect your work and promise to respond to all submissions, but please be advised, we are severely backlogged and you may not hear from us until hover cars are indeed the ubiquitous mode of transportation (estimated to be twenty-one [21] years according to The Literary Sci-Fi is Real Life Now Almanac). Use this time to write new work!
7. This is a non-paying market. Financial incentive should never be the driving force in quality writing, though we have published several previously unknown writers who have subsequently received publishing contracts from noted literary presses. Exposure is worth more than money!
8. Please do not put your name or any other identifying features on your manuscript as we read all submissions blind. We do require that your permanent address be in the upper left corner of your manuscript so we can assess whether or not you have the aforementioned [REDACTED] Area flair or if you are merely feigning The [REDACTED] Area values. Trust us. We will know by your writing. Your address should be in an eight [8] point font, spell out all numbers and no abbreviations. SE could be southeast or it could be something else. Taking the time to spell out every detail results in a precision of content unparalleled elsewhere. Your address may take up no fewer than five [5] lines and no more than eight [8]. (See what we’ve been doing there with the spelling out of numerals? It is this sort of innovation and playfulness we expect in your work, though we do not want you to include numerals in parentheses in your address. We only did that for you, the writer reading these guidelines, because you may not be accustomed to seeing numerals spelled out in this age of emojis and instant short form text responses and we are setting the appropriately witty, playful and highly creative standard in these guidelines.)
9. Whew! We know these guidelines are exhaustive — but essential! — and you’ve read every one of them. Congratulations! To prove you’ve read this entire list, please write in the body of your cover letter “I am a [REDACTED] Area writer.”
10. Please limit your cover letter to three [3] words. We need to spend our time reading your work, not cover letters.
11. Reminder: exclusive submissions only.
12. Good luck! Good writing only goes so far. Everyone gets rejected and you probably will, too. Don’t let it get you down. Who knows, we may accept your 459th piece. Keep writing!

UPDATE: We are inundated with submissions; however we remain open to reading your work. Please continue to submit your witty, timely, superior work to us, but please understand we can no longer use our limited time and resources to respond.