Life in the UK Test
Chapter 6: Etiquette and Social Codes
With Brexit negotiations still underway, the rights and residency status of EU and EEA citizens in Britain after 2021 remains unknown.
Some may be eligible to apply for citizenship. Part of the application process includes taking a Life in the UK test, which assesses your knowledge of British traditions and customs.
Please note: There can be more than one right answer.
1. News outlets have announced that one of the royal couples is having yet another baby. Your work colleagues start talking animatedly about it. As a person who is both a commoner and an immigrant, what would be an appropriate response?
a. “Brilliant. Just what this country needs — more unelected spongers.”
b. “How exciting! I will spend my lunch hour queueing to purchase another carton of official royal baby commemorative hand sanitiser. Or shall I go for the Prince Philip souvenir mask? I’m not sure. What do you reckon?”
c. “Gross.”
d. “There’s really no place in modern society for a hereditary monarchy. Just get a president. Look how well it’s worked out for Ameri — oh, wait.”
The only answer is B. Candidates who answer anything else will be immediately escorted from the building by Royal Protection officers and prepared for deportation.
2. Which is not a popular sandwich filling?
a. Tuna, mayonnaise, corn
b. Prawns, mayonnaise, corn
c. Cheese steak
d. Corn, corn, corn
The correct answer is C. Long-term residents of the United Kingdom require a constant supply of room temperature, partially-drained canned sweetcorn to acquire vital nutrients which can only otherwise be obtained by exposure to sunlight. It is best not to rely on exposure to sunlight, as sunlight may be unavailable during the winter months (September to July inclusive).
3. You’re having dinner with a group of friends. Your main has arrived 56 minutes after your starter, which consisted of two baby potatoes garnished with corn. After a few bites, you gaze down to find a pubic hair in your risotto. How should you proceed?
a. Eat it and act like nothing happened.
b. Be grateful it wasn’t two hairs, or three. And then eat it and act like nothing happened.
c. Scoop it out surreptitiously with your thumb, accidentally dumping a load of rice in your lap in the process. Realise your finger was probably dirtier than the hair. Flick the rice onto the floor, and look around to see if anyone’s noticed. Keep on eating and pretend like nothing happened.
d. Immediately call the server over and show him what you’ve discovered. Demand a new main and a refund for your meal and the meals of everyone you’re dining with. After, take comfort in the knowledge you’re helping them to improve. How can they get better if they don’t know what’s wrong?
The correct answers are A, B and C. Why bring anxiety into your meal space? It’s just a hair and may contain nutrients which can only otherwise be obtained from sunlight. Candidates who answer D will be immediately escorted from the building by Royal Protection officers and prepared for deportation.
4. What is an appropriate greeting to use when passing a neighbour in the street who you’ve known for several years?
a. A cheerful “Hiya!”
b. A grunt and nod, with an increase in walking speed to minimise the risk of a conversation accidentally starting.
c. Pretend you have something in your eye and cross the road.
d. This is a trick question: You don’t ever see your neighbour because you normally wait for him to leave first so you can avoid talking to him.
The correct answers are B, C and D. A should be avoided at all costs, as it can cause considerable distress to UK citizens and may lead to deportation.
5. You’re at the pub with some friends. You’ve just finished your pint of beer and want another, but everyone else’s glasses are still half-full and Simon bought the last round. What do you do?
a. Offer to buy another round, even though you bought the one before Simon and it should be Greg’s turn.
b. Buy your own drink, as this is far too complicated and you are very thirsty.
c. Make strangled, parched throat-clearing noises while staring pointedly at Greg.
d. Wait patiently holding your empty glass until someone asks you if you’d like another drink. It’s not your round.
e. Tamsin is definitely drinking far too slowly. Grab her cider and pour half into your empty glass, explaining that you are helping her out.
The best answer is D. Anything else is considered deviant behaviour. A suggests either alcoholism or a shameful display of wealth. B is only acceptable if you say you’re going to the toilet and then sneak off to buy yourself a beer and drink it discreetly in the car park. C is rude. E is very rude and may result in deportation.
6. True or false: Dogs should always be put on a lead whenever they venture out into a public space (e.g. park; car park; holiday park; caravan park; any park whatsoever).
a. True. Their need to play and run freely is secondary to the safety of children, runners and the elderly. Responsible UK citizens take their animals to dog parks.
b. False. Dogs are demigods and should be treated as such. (And, unlike with people, your relationship won’t deteriorate due to their short-sighted and reckless decision-making, e.g. disrupting the round system; voting for Brexit.)
The correct answer is B. Whilst we would like to point out that we are quite fond of our children in the UK, permanent residents should be prepared to accept that dogs occupy a place in the class system somewhere between minor royals and Love Island contestants (dependent on breed of dog).
7. How do you make a good cup of tea?
a. Grab a coffee cup. Add a splash of milk, then the tea bag, then the hot water. Let sit for five minutes. Before removing the tea bag, gently press it against the side of the mug. Add one teaspoon of white sugar. Stir.
b. Do all the things above, but, before removing the tea bag, press it against the side of the mug eight or nine times to get all the goodness out. Wonder why Alastair in Finance is looking at you with sadness and pity in his eyes.
c. You can’t, so don’t even try.
d. Put a tea bag and some water in a mug. Microwave on high for two minutes. Add powdered milk and a tablespoon of sugar. Stir and then remove tea bag with your fingers.
The best answer is A, but C is also acceptable. If you are unsure, it may be better for new UK citizens to stick with making filter coffee to avoid the risk of violent confrontations. D may lead to deportation.
8. The temperature has just hit 16 degrees Celsius (60 degrees Fahrenheit), and there is forecast to be a 37-minute rain-free period between 12:20 pm and 12:57 pm. What would be appropriate clothing for a stroll in the center of town?
a. Jeans, T-shirt, sweater, windbreaker.
b. Bermuda shorts, flip flops, stripped to the waist (optionally accessorised with can of lager).
c. Three-piece tweed suit (optionally accessorised with can of lager).
d. White socks, trainers, Yankees baseball cap, T-shirt, cargo shorts.
B is the best answer. D may lead to deportation. A and C are acceptable, but as the sun makes itself known only eight times a year here, why aren’t you making the most of it?
