Super Chill Reflections on Super Chill Breakups

Heyyy J,

I just wanted to say I really appreciated your text — so thoughtful of you to describe what you’re looking for that’s not me in so much detail! I suppose it makes sense that you love combing your fingers through a woman’s hair and you can’t really do that with my “knotty curly mess” and I’ll just say I hear you when you described feeling pressured because, as you said, I’m already 35 and you’re only 37.

I just felt like you should know, J, that while I really did mean it when, in what could only be described as an out-of-body experience, I replied “Thank you for being honest!!” to your almost entirely emoji-based text, it also made me think I was a dead person. I definitely saw a light of sorts and certainly couldn’t move my body, let alone open my eyes for nearly twelve minutes they were rolled so deeply up inside my head. Not that you did anything wrong, J, it was totally my fault. Realizing I’d thrown the entirety of my thirties into a deep dark black hole of a human made it essentially impossible to survive my own existence for a second longer.

Just a reflection, no need to reply! Still obviously down to be friends.

xo,

E

P! Hi!

I was just thinking about our dinner and realized I barely said a thing the whole night. Totally my fault, I just got all caught up in you telling me about your new girlfriend even though we’ve spent every other night together for the past six weeks and I took off work just yesterday to spend the day in bed together. But I know that was Thursday and today is Friday, a new day, so I totally get it.

Anywayyy, I just wanted to apologize because I did not realize it was humanly possible to feel so much pain. Always learning with you! It was like I was suddenly transformed into a garbage bag, not a thick one, a flimsy little old leftover deli bag you throw in your bathroom trash can because you’re too cheap to buy regular bags for the bathroom or pay for dinner even when you’re breaking up with someone. The plastic chair of that rancid sushi restaurant you always make us go to was my can and I was the flimsy, broken bag, receiving your grimy bathroom trash.

Just a reflection, P! We’re totally cool.

x,

E

Hey D,

I was just thinking about our conversation when you called me on my way to meet you for dinner and told me never mind, not to meet you, that you don’t think we should ever see each other again because you’re just “not feeling it.” It was super brave and I appreciate you doing it over the phone and before I left the house, even though I’d spent two hours getting ready and already had my jacket on, but that’d be the worst, if I’d already left the house.

I was just reflecting over here and I think it’s so interesting that you spent every night at my house for the past three months and then you could just end it like that — totally sudden and immediate like flicking a switch in your heart and soul the way you flick off the bedroom light every night even when I’m still trying to read my book. Well, I was racking my brain to think of another human being with so few emotions and then, just this morning, NPR had a special segment on sociopaths and it all made sense. There are human beings like you, D, and I just thought you might be curious to check it out because I know how much you love Ira Glass!

Thanks again for calling!

E

M,

So fun hanging last night! I was just reflecting about your question — why I seem so “angry” at men all the time — and your recommendation that I should just “chill.” I know I laughed and apologized in the moment, assured you I would try my best to do just that. But when I got home I realized your comment was the least funny thing I had ever heard in my life and had to slap myself in the mirror seventeen times to assure myself that I would never ever laugh so mindlessly again and then I realized how much I hated you and then (now this is actually funny!) I realized why I’m angry. Because of you M! And every man like you.

And upon reflection, M, I realized, chilling is the last thing I plan to do about it.

E