Things to Know About Me, a Teacher in a Movie or TV Show

I have bangs.

I wear plaid button-downs, yellow cardigans, and full skirts, even in June.

I always stand in front of a chalkboard while my students sit in rows, hands clasped on their individual wooden desks, because that’s how child-sized mannequins learn best.

The bell always rings when I least expect it, gosh darnit! And with that, all my second graders pick up their backpacks and walk out the door to recess, lunch, downtown, or a sixth dimension. Will I see them tomorrow? I hope so! The bell has rung, so I have to stay here, right by my teacher desk that’s the size of the Supreme Court bench.

I’m white and most of my students are of color. Please enjoy this montage of graffiti, hotdog stands, and people playing basketball as I commute to my job. I’m brave.

My students are skeptical of me, but then I perform a monologue about grit and say, “What’s the dealio?” That’s all it takes to form a connection with these kids and change my life forever.

At the beginning of every class, I spend 15 minutes taking attendance. It’s the most critical part of my job!

I do not plan lessons, make copies of worksheets, laminate, urinate, or have teaching experience. All I need is this funky lapel pin of a cow wearing sunglasses.

I’m always teaching my students about the presidents. Every day in my class, a student gives a presentation on George Washington or Abraham Lincoln. This year, Mikey did a report on Richard Nixon. Mikey’s such a character!

My favorite teaching tools are whistles, yardsticks, globes, and red pens that I use to write “A+” or “F” on my second graders’ geometry exams.

In my class, we have “Show and Tell” five times a day, often instead of literacy instruction. Baseball mitts, snow globes, bullfrogs — we see it all!

At our school’s Multicultural Night, I hang streamers, eat taquitos at the Mexico table, and run into Mikey and his single, widowed dad. I’m also single — this is awkward!

I like saying, “Pop quiz!” and rubbing my hands together.

When I give 30-minute geometry lectures, my second graders listen quietly. Except for Mikey — he always has some kind of quip! Should he be in a gifted-and-talented program? Should he be the manager of our class band? Or should I adopt him, even though he already has a family?

I get flustered when my principal hires attractive male teachers. They’re joining our faculty all the time! Most of them are single, recently moved to the area from London, and have published a book. I better head to the bathroom and check on my bangs.

The highlight of my week is performing at a dive bar with my Dixie Chicks tribute band, Sin Wagon. The next-best part of my week is singing with my Huey Lewis tribute band, Rhythm Ranch. And if I had to choose a third-favorite way I let loose after work, I’d say it’s jamming with my Kenny Loggins tribute band, Danger Zone.

When I feel that rare spark of passion — often inspired by a student’s poem about balloons — I knock on the principal’s door. With my dynamic personality and a briefcase full of loose papers, surely I can change my principal’s mind about the school budget AND transform the nation’s public-school system AND ask to borrow his bullhorn.

I always have a banana at lunch. I’m so sad when I eat my banana alone. That makes me wonder: how are the kids in AV Club doing? I’ll check.