How to Become Jeff Goldblum

Lauren Modery
Sep 4, 2015 · 7 min read

Twelves steps to becoming the sexiest man on the planet.

The other day I thought, I wish I was Jeff Goldblum.

I mean, who doesn’t have that thought, right?

Goldblum is gold…and blum.

Translation: Jeff Goldblum is a golden flower.

Everything about him just oozes awkward-sexy-golden-flower-man-appeal and who doesn’t love that? Who? WHO!? TELL ME!!!

When I watch clips of Jeff Goldblum, I think, I want to be like that. I want to smirk and fondle the air and sniff people.

Growing up as a young Jewish woman, I had a secret desire to turn myself into a middle-aged Jewish man. When I was small, it was Rod Serling and two out of the five Marx Brothers. Now, it’s the Blum.

I’ve been a Goldblum fan for a long time. I distinctly recall having a feeling similar to that of climbing the rope in gym class after seeing Jeff Goldblum for the first time in Jurassic Park. After that, I ran out and rented every Goldblum movie I could get my grubby little hands on- Vibes, Earth Girls Are Easy, The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai, Into the Night etc.- all in hopes of keeping that tingling sensation alive.

That light inside of me has never died.

In 2004 I met Jeff Goldblum. He was starring in a movie I was working on. He was everything I dreamt of and more. He hung out with the extras and assistants, ate with us at lunch time and made sure to learn everyone’s names on set. He hugged you like you a dog in heat. He let Little Blum do his thing if he was slightly aroused while hugging you. It doesn’t take much to wake Little Blum as you can tell by the plethora of photos showing Jeff with young paramours.

Goldblum is a lover of life, a lover of women, a lover of smells and a lover of touching.

He is a champion at acting and a champion AT LIFE.

Here’s how you can be that man or woman too.

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1.) Purse and/or Lick Your Lips While Talking

It’s essential in total Goldblum domination to purse and/or lick your lips while talking to others. The pursing and the licking often go hand in hand with numbers 2, 6 and 7. If deciding to lick, you must do it slowly and methodically, but without looking like you’re aware of what you’re doing. Same goes for the pursing. Pursing might come natural to thinking which is what a Blum wannabe should be doing a lot of. The only thinking you should be doing is about chaos theory and inventing computer viruses to blow up enemy aliens. And young women. Lots and lots of young women.

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2.) Smirk Seductively While Talking

When you think of Goldblum, what do you think of? Well, besides that. His beautiful smile, right? Goldblum has quite the pearly whites and he knows it. That’s why he takes every friggin’ opportunity to give us a little taste of what’s hiding underneath those lips of his. Goldblum smiles and smirks even when not at all necessary. It’s easy to imagine him making that face while taking a shit, hence why the ice-cold stare featured on the “Jeff Goldblum is Watching You Poop” poster seems like a misrepresentation.

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3.) Tan the Living Crap Out of Yourself

Because you’re going to need to in order to compete with the Blum’s naturally glorious burnt sienna skin. Goldblum is Jewish, and Jewish people have great skin, hair and taste in eye wear (see numbers 4 and 8). Though Goldblum is from Pittsburgh, don’t let that fool you. He’s in fact from the Holy Land and his skin is made from 1,000 olives eaten by Jesus.

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4.) Become Jewish

Did I mention that Jeff Goldblum is Jewish? If you hadn’t already figured that out by his last name then I’ll assume you’re a racist. The Goldblum Family belonged to an Orthodox Jewish synagogue. That means that Goldblum is more Jewish than most Jews combined. It’s scientific fact that if you want to be successful, you need to be Jewish. Or Canadian.

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5.) Talk With Your Hands

This is probably one of Goldblum’s most famous traits. The man can’t keep his hands down. They whirl and dance and make love to the molecules in the air. They are charmers, and they’re manipulated by their master, Jeff’s Smirk. The combo of Goldblum’s smirk and hand-talking is a deadly combo. Use this power in small doses.

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6.) Itch Your Ear/Stroke Chin/Hold Forehead

Sometimes The Blum’s hands need to rest. When they do this, they might land on an ear, forehead or chin. Even while resting, their actions are purposeful. They can’t look lazy. Actually, the truth of the matter is, Goldblum’s hands are tactile sluts. They need to be stroking something and if it isn’t Little Blum or a 23 year-old cherry bomb, it’s his face. It’s the only acceptable body part he can get sexy with in public.

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7.) Stick Finger in Mouth

Watch interviews with Goldblum and you’ll notice that he mostly speaks with a finger in his mouth or on his mouth. It’s a delightful habit you don’t notice at first and later realize it’s one of the reasons why you have your hands down your pants while watching said interviews. Goldblum is a confident man, but the Finger in the Mouth trick says, “I know who I am, and sometimes I’m a little girl named Penny” (see number 10).

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8.) Use Words Like “Delightful” and “Delicious” While Sniffing the Air

If you commonly touch people and smell people, it only seems appropriate that you use the words “delightful” and “delicious” while describing them. When I met Jeff Goldblum he touched the tip of my nose as if he was bestowing magical powers upon me and said, “Well, isn’t the tip of your nose delicious?” I haven’t been self-conscious about my large nose ever since. Goldblum has that power. You can have that power too!

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9.) Wear Awesome Glasses

Now that you’re Jewish, this is a prerequisite. Jewish people wear fantastic eyewear. It’s in the handbook. Find and wear as many old-timey glasses as you can find. If they’re unflattering, so be it. You have the Confidence of Blum now and you can wear anything you like (including no clothing).

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10.) Giggle Like a Little Girl

Goldblum is in touch with his sensitive side. He’s so in touch that he’ll let his inner little girl out at his most unguarded moments. Goldblum’s child-like giggle says, “I’m famous, but I’m empathetic.” Seriously, Goldblum has to be one of the least douchey Hollywood stars I can think of. He’s weird, he’s sweet and he does his own thing. It really boils down to confidence and not giving a shit about what others think.

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11.) Play An Instrument

It’s essential in the Jeff Goldblum transformation process to be skilled at an instrument, most notably the piano. Goldblum is an excellent jazz pianist. You can often spot him in small clubs or at jazz fests, tickling the ivories as if it were a woman’s torso. As mentioned earlier, considering how tactile Goldblum’s fingers are, it comes as no surprise that he enjoys playing the piano. Make sure while playing that you employ the lip purse and/or smirk in fifteen second intervals.

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12.) Date/Marry Young Women

Because you can. Because you’re past 60 years old and do yoga and brush your teeth with quinoa and grow wheatgrass in your yard and drive a Prius and push your boner up against people and dry hump doorways and smirk and lick your lips and wear Harry Caray glasses and have the skin of Jesus. Because women are attracted to all of those things.

Originally appeared on my blog, Hipstercrite.

Endless

A conversation about money, behavior and decentralization.

Lauren Modery

Written by

Freelance writer in Austin; film Loves Her Gun premiered @ SXSW ‘13; used to be a Hollywood assistant; rail enthusiast; check out my dumb blog, hipstercrite.com

Endless

Endless

A conversation about money, behavior and decentralization.

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