Monologue: I’m The Guy Who Writes The HBO Content Advisories

Hey upper-middle class white people who pay for HBO and college students using their parents’ HBO Go passwords. Thanks for tuning in to this week’s episode. But before we watch, a quick preview of all the juicy stuff you’re about to see that you can’t see on cable. Who’s responsible for this 5 second preview? Me.

What’s the best part of my job? Teasing you until you can’t take any more. I know what you’re thinking, “How hard can that job be?” Shut your face, dickwad. This isn’t just a job; it’s a motherfucking art form.

Maybe I’ll give it the classic “Adult Content.” What exactly is that you ask? Hell if I know. Could be some drug usage like boring old weed, or it could be something better like a step-by-step example of how to shoot heroin. Salivating yet? Mmm, yeah, babe. Tell me what you want.

What’s next you ask? Maybe some graphic language up in this cocksucker. You like it when we talk dirty? Cock. Cunt. Jews. (Ok, maybe the last one isn’t so bad.) Or, I’ll mix it up and drop some N bombs like we’re bringing back The Wire. Hell, maybe we’ll have our writers invent some words and you pussies won’t even know what it means. This isn’t just “Adult Language,” so put the kids to bed. Our adult language game is the shit. Prepare your virgin ears, bitches.

Hmm, what’s next? I could toss in the old “Mild Violence,” but that seems to have lost its value. When you hit the mass murder scene, you’d be disappointed, you sick fuck. Or, I could lose the “Mild” and have you on the edge of your seat waiting for that decapitation scene. Will it come? Only I know. I saw the episode two weeks ago, and let’s just say, there’s more blood than in There Will Be Blood. DRINK IT UP, asshole.

Now for the good stuff — nudity and sexual content. Ohh yeah. Let’s get physical, babies. I could call it “Brief Nudity.” Know what you’d do? Have your remote in your hand, ready to pause on that topless shot. Hope you know if your DVR has a delay, because you have exactly 1.5 seconds to get it right. How’s that for brief? Maybe I’ll just put “Nudity.” Tease you with boobs, boobs, ass, boobs and then BAM! Flacid penis in your face. See? I don’t have to tell you what kind of nudity is coming. That’s how I get you hooked.

“Strong Sexual Content?” Did it just move a little with excitement? I’d hope so since you’re watching the “Late Night” section on demand. As sure as you’re sitting naked on a folding chair, you’re going to have some strong sexual content. That’s not enough for you? You just need your porn with dragons and incest? Maybe I’ll give you what you want or maybe I won’t, freak. But you’ll stay tuned because I give you just enough to feed your imagination.

See, I don’t just warn you what ages our programs are meant for, I hold your emotions in the palm of my hand. I make it impossible for you to change the channel, because who knows what you’re going to miss? Oh wait, I know and I’ll never be more descriptive. Hold on to your couch, this is going to be a wild freaking ride. This isn’t cable, asshole. It’s motherfucking HBO and I run this show.

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