In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. This was probably a very bad idea!
The earth was formless and empty, and darkness was hovering over the surface of the deep, which, ugh. And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light?? Also! God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness.
God called the light “day,” and the darkness he called “a Big Steaming Garbage Pit of Despair.” And there was evening, and there was morning — the first day.
And God said, “I wrote a thing about there being a vault between the waters to separate water from water.” Actually (#actually), God called the vault “sky.” Not that it matters because all nomenclature is irredeemably flawed and meaningless, like Williamsburg after the sushi places moved in.
And God was like, “Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear!!!” And God saw that it was good (idk it’s also pretty good to remember that thanks to climate change the earth is now a stale Kinder egg melting in Satan’s sweaty palm and that absolutely nothing will remain of your spongy visage when you die).
Then God said, “Let the land produce vegetation: plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it.” And then God opened the Gowanus Whole Foods!!
And there was evening, and there was morning — the third day lol. And then some people started thinking God was creating Excellent Content and asked if he wanted to work for Fusion or BuzzFeed or like make a Facebook instant articles for them.
God made two great lights — the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night, and God said ironically, “Twinsies!!!” God set them in the vault of the sky to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from the festering trash heap that would become our Beautiful Planet. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening, and there was morning — the fourth day.
And then God created Twitter so we would always know what weather it is in New York. Haha okay but really: God said, “Let the water teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the vault of the sky.” This was a big mistake because birds are actual monsters! Like… has God even seen a pigeon marinating its feathery bird torso in a fetid street puddle? We may literally never find out what kind of foresight God has. And there was evening, and there was morning — the fifth day.
And God said, “Let the land produce living creatures.” And things kept getting worse on earth but like of course they did. God’s brand had started to suffer! Like, eeeek, this is the dude who will later say no one with damaged balls is allowed in his temple and will make bears attack a bunch of children.
Then God, a True Millennial, said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness.” Male and female he created them. And Millennial God said they were the first ~baes.~ I mean… HERE WE GO!
God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.” Hoo boy I think this is where it all got ~really~ bad. This will really rattle some chains later!
God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. Haha, like, okay. And there was evening, and there was morning — the sixth day. Then God wrote a wretched leaving New York article that actually used the phrases “I need more wide open spaces” and “everyone is just so competitive here.” Obviously the way this all ends is that we’re going to die alone tweeting on our Ikea beds about this hot garbage dump earth we totally hosed. Like we won’t even get to die on a bed with a r e a l boxspring.
WAITING ON LINE AT SHAKE SHACK — SEE HOW I SAID “ON” LINE — GOD WITH A CAPITAL G OR A LOWER CASE G OR MAYBE JUST A WISP OF A DECLINING CHRISTIAN SOCIETAL INFRASTRUCTURE — HOT BIRD — PEOPLE ONCE THOUGHT MOSES WROTE THE PENTATEUCH — BUT ALSO THEY THOUGHT GOD WROTE IT?? — GOD WAS THE FIRST GHOSTWRITER IF YOU REALLY THINK ABOUT IT— LOL— I CAN’T BELIEVE GUY AND GALLARD GOT POUROVER BUT I GUESS I’LL TRY IT — THE DOCUMENTARY HYPOTHESIS IS SO REAL — WOULD YOU GO TO GOD’S HOUSING WORKS EVENT — EVERYTHING WENT TO HELL WHEN PEOPLE ADDED VOWEL POINTING TO HEBREW — I LIKE TO STAND UPSTAIRS NEXT TO THE RAILING — THE G TRAIN THOUGH