It’s the Difficult Inquiries Make Me Seize up with Indecisive Trembles

Inquiries like “hello!” and “how are you?”

Could we establish a system where everyone periodically informs me how they are? Thank you. I would appreciate it. Because, in all frankness, I care deeply how you’re doing. I just don’t know how to ask about it. I’m not very good at the usual portals of conversation. Portals like, you know, “hello.”

“How are you” especially agitates me. I don’t say “how are you” very often. Not because I don’t care. I care a lot. I care how everyone is feeling. I want to know how everyone’s day is going. It seems, though, that people invariably assume that if you ask “how are you?” then you’re attempting to cover up for your apathy. People seem to treat “how are you?” like a practice in irony, as if they assume people use it to mean, “I don’t care about you, but you may speak until I think of something more interesting to say about myself.”

Dylan Moran says this about saying hello in general:

I don’t spend a huge amount of time on that, because I find, you know, it is one of the portals of conversation people get very freaked out about. Because you can use, “Hello,” and then after that you’re on your own, really. People get scared after. They go, “Hello…do you want a pineapple?” They don’t know what to do next. So I just kind of skip it.

That kind of summarizes my whole feeling about how the usual sorts of inceptions of social contact work. I much prefer important questions. Questions like, “Do you take your quesadillas soft or crispy?” and, “all other things being equal, and given the options, would you take your next vacation on Earth’s moon or one of the moons of Jupiter?” You know, those hard hitting questions that really make people sweat. That’s where I come alive in conversation.

Some people have a knack for the usual kinds of conversation. I know these people. They find me as impenetrable as I find them confusing.

I’m quite serious about this suggestion. I have a lot of meaningful people in my life whose lives are mysteries to me. This is entirely my own fault. I don’t ask about their adventures or sorrows. I wait for news to come to me. That’s a self-defeating proposition, as it happens, because I’ve somehow made myself seem like someone with a preternatural understanding of everything. People are always surprised when I don’t know something, in spite of how often I insist I’m ignorant.

I’ve seriously considered making a form to send out periodically to my loved ones. It would start with some multiple choice questions about mental and emotional states, then there’d be some spaces for short-answer essay questions, and on the back a larger space for additional notes. Each one would come with a pre-addressed, pre-stamped envelope, for an easy return back to me.

That might sound a little silly, but I’m this close to doing it.

I guess you can’t see how close I am to doing it since I’m indicating it with my fingers. I’m holding my fingers yea far apart…. I guess you can’t see me hold my fingers yea far apart either… Just imagine it.

I don’t know how else to gather information about news from my friends and family. That’s my point.

Even the friends and family I see frequently are a hive of mysterious mystery insects to me.

I’m not sure if there’s an issue here. Maybe I’m going through a phase. Maybe not.

Honestly, really, truly: if you’re reading this (that goes for you too, vague acquaintances and strangers), I’d appreciate regular status updates, as long or as short as you care to share with me.

Thanks. You’re the best at what you do.

p.s. I tagged this “life-hacking.” Not to hop into that mob either. I did it because I think this suggestion is an excellent one. Your socially awkward loved ones would probably really appreciate semi-regular, unsolicited updates about how you’re doing. We care; we just don’t know how to ask.