Since we’re on the subject, can we just abolish all pointless holidays?
If there’s no themed snacks then I don’t see the point.
Except Veteran’s Day. I see the point of that one.
Or Martin Luther King, Jr., day. I get that one.
Or Armistice Day. That one we can keep.
But Labor Day? Come on. That’s just…makin’ things up.
There’s not even a mascot. I mean, if there was a Labor Day Armadillo that would be one thing. The Labor Day Armadillo, handing out novelty duck tape to all the dedicated girls and boys who made the Union Highlights List.
If we had that, and Labor-themed snacks — like special Labor Day Jerky and energy drinks — then I would be cool with Labor Day.
As it is, Labor Day is just pointless. It’s just a commemoration of Henry Ford and the invention of the assembly line, and I can do without a memorial to Henry Ford and the invention of the assembly line, thanks.
Unless I’m missing the point of Labor Day. I might be. It could, I suppose, be a Labor Party thing. You know, like: Labor Day! Commemorating the Labor Party since 1912!
Hold the presses, guys. I just figured it out. Labor Day must be communist! Hashtag, #Communism.
I started thinking about this during the recent flare-up of Columbus Day peevishness. Columbus Day is like that. I mean, like how Labor Day’s Labor Day is peevish and pointless, not how Labor Day is Communist.
Everyone’s already arguing about the reasons that Columbus Day is pointless. I could repeat all the obvious reasons, but I won’t.
You know which ones are popular in the Media.
Columbus “discovered” the Caribbean, he didn’t even “discover” America, so why do we care?
Christopher Columbus worked for Spain anyway, which is basically just uptown Mexico anyway, so why do we care?
Christopher Columbus had a stupid hat, how could you take the guy seriously anyway, so why do we care?
You’ve heard all about Mr. Columbus elsewhere, so you don’t need me to tell you again. It’s pretty clear it’s a stupid “holiday.”
Celebrating Christopher Columbus makes slightly less sense than celebrating the Vikings that landed in Newfoundland, and celebrating Christopher Columbus makes only slightly MORE sense than celebrating President’s Day.
So here’s what I’m thinking: We replace Christopher Columbus Day. Everyone’s suggesting this, but I think that my suggestion has a lot of staying power.
Because I propose that we replace Columbus Day with Talk Like a Pirate Day II: The Wrath of Beard! (Maybe you won’t miss it and only make half an effort this year, Joe, we were really relying on you to bring the peg legs, nobody bought the whole “We’re the table leg pirate crew! Arr!” line didn’t convince anyone.)
That way we can still have a nautical theme, and we may actually feel motivated to learn about the history of the Caribbean since that’s what Columbus Day is all about.
Then we can have Beardy, the Bearded Monkey of Re-imagined Columbus Day, handing out hooks and pickled eggs to all the good little boys and girls who avoid bathing for the whole day.
