Sexual energy — Quantum gateway

Sexual Energy

I’ve given my best to explain sexual energy from a man’s perspective, giving all the juicy behind the scenes of the man’s unconscious mind when he’s projecting his unhealed emotional trauma. I’ve highlighted those strange tendencies that some men have to be aloof and not entirely with it and sometimes just straight up ignorant and unable to see a woman for who she is. I share this vulnerably, my growing pains through understanding myself on deeper levels, including, but not limited to: Sexual energy, emotional intelligence, multidimensionality, societal beliefs and conditioning, self-awareness, projecting false identities (wearing masks), projecting unhealed emotional trauma and more. Enjoy

Growing up, I learned patterns of behaviour that led to a misunderstanding of my role as a man and my interaction with women.
I recognised my role models were doing their best with what they had, which was a long trail of self-defeating belief systems, passed onto them by their parents, and so on.
And so, with that said, I also recognise that it’s my responsibility to become the role model that I once needed.

I set out to clean up my unhealthy association with my sexual energy, discover the purpose of my masculinity, and show up authentically in my embodiment.

I didn’t understand the process I was going through, but I understood that it was some purification process of my sexual energy and how I embody myself consciously. What I realised was that to go forward, I first needed to go back.

I delved into my past, into how I behaved around women in childhood, teens and my early twenties.
I noticed that, as a child, I craved attention like most kids, Which I thought was kind of sad, knowing almost everyone experiences this on some level, and develops coping strategies to gain attention. I recognised that my mechanism was people-pleasing, driven by a fear of abandonment and a deep desire to seek approval.
Moving into my teens, my mechanisms, combined with early exposure to pornography, led me to a confused understanding of my role as a man and my masculine sexual desire. Under the guise of the cultural consensus, I was plagued with the ever-increasing demands to man up, not show my emotion, and ultimately become an ideal while simultaneously ignoring my authentic nature.
With this mind frame enveloping me and overriding my life experience, I moved into my early twenties with an insatiable thirst for sexual fulfilment. I fucked many women and made love to non.
I was desperate for connection, but my unhealthy pattern of seeking approval and being a people pleasure left me void of meaningful relationships, living the life of my conditioned projection of who I thought I was.

To go deeper, I must explain what I mean by ‘conditioned projection of who I thought I was’.
From the moment we’re born, we adopt the collective narratives and belief systems that help us navigate the world and fit in. We’re social creatures, so fundamentally, we desire connection. For many, like myself, this pre-verbal desire for connection and love was met by a confused adult population, and my needs went unnoticed and unmet. My initial experience of the world around me was saturated with negative belief systems. So rather than growing up and figuring out who I was, I grew up trying to fit into a system populated with other people also trying to fit in. So I predominantly lived my social life behind a mask, like almost everyone else, and did so unconsciously. If you’d said to me back in my early twenties, “Marc, just be yourself”, I would have replied, “What do you mean? I am being myself” because in my mind I was! But I wasn’t. I was trying to have my needs met in whatever way I could find. I wanted to please people so that they wouldn’t abandon me. At all costs, I could not expose this childhood wound, this weakness which would have me fall prey to ridicule, exposure, vulnerability and potential humility in the face of disapproval and inadequacy.
The stakes are high for all of us to maintain an appearance that fits into a cultural standard of ‘normal’. Authenticity, to my surprise, is quite a rare trait to experience in someone. So, treasure this we must, for our sanity depends on such courageous expression.
Simple said, in my late teens / early twenties, I lost sight of who I was; I tried to become what society deemed worthy of approval. In my desire for approval, I became adept at creating and wearing masks, personalities and characters to exhibit certain emotions, characteristics or patterns of behaviour that I believed would gain approval.

Approval seeking through sex.
Sex became a gratifying way to have my need for approval met. It proved more vital than satiating my fears around abandonment, meaning one night stands were of no concern to me. I was happy enough just to know someone wanted to fuck me and have done with it. It worked for a few years; I thoroughly enjoyed it. Exhilarating and periodically relieving.
However, there are only so many bandaids you can put on a wound until it starts to get infected and scream for attention.
My loneliness became apparent to me. I felt deeply frustrated in my evident lack of fulfilment.
A voice in the back of my mind called to me, telling me there was more to life than hiding behind unsatisfying personas. It took years, YEARS for me to articulate all of this. Initially, it was a subtle intuitive understanding that I shared not with anyone. I didn’t understand what I was feeling, and I’d spent the past 10–15 years hiding my emotions, so seeing them was a big step, even this subtle and seemingly insignificant. Still, as the years passed, the inner calling got stronger and stronger, until eventually, I had a realisation and intuitive understanding, something that came to me amid a deep heartbreak after ending a six-year relationship.
When the relationship ended, I came face to face with something unfamiliar to me; choice.
The choice was simple, Evolve or repeat.
On the one hand, I could turn away from my pain, delve back into my conditioned patterns of behaviour, find safety and comfort in the familiar and hide from my misery and suffering.
On the other hand was a sharp word in my ear, a voice from my heart, showing me a bigger picture, an opportunity for massive healing and growth. My soul emerged, beckoned and extended me an offering. Face the pain, lean into the unknown and discover who you truly are.
With a sobering realisation and a terrifying call to action, I chose the red pill.
The visual of this experience was simple. I’m an elastic band, cut in the middle. My ends pulled in opposite directions, placed under tension. Symbolic of my inner resistance and inability to see myself. The relationship ending was the other end of the band being released and hurtling towards me at high speed. I saw two choices. Bounce it back out like multiple energetic hooks, which would become manifestations/lessons later in life. Or integrate the hooks, acknowledge my pain body, my emotions and journey towards self-realisation.
The realisation was around identity, I recognised that I’d used the relationship as a form of identity, and when it ended, it left me not knowing who I was. Still, because It left such a massive void within me, there was a lot of space to move around and explore myself.

Back to sexual energy,
In the integration process, I realised I only really knew how to interact with women on a level of exchange. I would flirt with women, hook into their energy in playful ways and thrive from their attention. I recognised that I gave more leniency to a woman I found attractive versus women I did not. I played in this space for a few months, exploring my connection with women when I removed my hidden sexual agenda and saw them truly for who they were, rather than the object I’d projected them to be. Women naturally began to feel safe around me. At first, this was difficult for me to receive as I still had sexual urges and tendencies to string them along to keep them interested — fear of abandonment — but I quickly figured that out.
Despite mentally abstaining from sexual agenda, my emotions — which I was still hiding from — were not abstaining.
Somehow, I was subconsciously projecting my unresolved emotional trauma, approval-seeking mechanisms, people-pleasing tendencies etc., onto the people around me. I first thought they’d evolved and found a new way to quench themselves, but I realised that this always had multiple layers to it. I couldn’t see them because my focus was predominantly on my thinking awareness.

I thought at this point in my journey. I had it figured out. I knew that authentic expression was fundamental to a meaningful life, but the thought is only one layer. I still didn’t embody my authentic expression and sought to understand why, which led me to an emotional awakening that is massive and still ongoing. I’ve been consciously exploring my authentic emotional nature for a few years and still feel like I’m only scratching the surface. Still, the level of insight and clarity here is abundantly profound.
Using my emotional awareness, I’ve learned more about myself in a week than I did in my mind in one year. Emotions are rich with the soulful understanding that transcends linear thinking and pretty much all mentally constructed understanding.

Emotions have led me deeper into the purification process of my sexual energy. Sexual energy has taken a new form and revealed itself to be a type of lifeforce energy capable of supercharging my life. Integrating my sexuality and expressing it healthily has proved on many occasions to be highly generative of positive outcomes in my life. My intimate relationship with my partner has reached depths I never imagined, and I find great joy in this avenue of exploration. My relationship with myself has become a playground of possibility and a breeding ground for creative solutions. I feel like for the first time; I can feel my purpose. I used to try and mentally labour myself to figure out my purpose in life. With emotional maturity, I’ve learned how to navigate the inner realms in such a way to effect real change in my outer world of circumstance, which has subsequently stumbled me upon a purposeful path.
I’ve found inner peace by trusting my ability to navigate life’s challenges with my intuitive capacity for creative solutions.
I never knew how much stress and anxiety plagued me until I experienced inner peace. The calmness of presence without any need to run and distract. The simple joy of taking a deep breath and appreciating the mystery of life without the need to understand.

My sexual energy is sacred. I spent many misguided years trying to satiate my lustful thirst, only to realise I wasn’t thirsty for something I didn’t have. I was dehydrated because I was giving something away. I was pouring my cup of water (sexual energy) down the drain instead of drinking from it. I needed to learn how to drink from my cup rather than pour it away. It required me to take off my blindfold and see what was in front of me. I had to learn how to get out of my mental prison of engaging with life purely from the headspace. I learned how to soften and trust my emotional awareness and rediscover what being an embodied, and unified man means. It’s been a messy, gruelling quest, and there have been moments when honestly, it would have been a lot easier to quit and go back to the safety and comfort of the known. I’m grateful that I’ve had the inner resolve to see this through and explore the edges of what is possible as a human being. If we can remember how to embody ourselves fully, we will discover a technology so much bigger than 1’s and 0’s. Emotional intelligence will evolve our species, and we will walk through the quantum door of evolution to become a higher intelligence species. I don’t know-how or how long, but I know it’s possible because of what my personal experience has shown me. Suppose enough people gather information by going within themselves in this way. In that case, I believe a metaphorical map will reveal itself in the collective mind, and a subconscious explosion will ignite the imagination of our species into remembrance, a quantum collapse of timelines and illusion. Duality meets the singularity, and we’ll reconnect to our multidimensional awareness.
It sounds cool, and it should. Though practically speaking, it would probably look something like people becoming more aware of themselves, making better choices, living with more respect for each other and the planet, a deeper sense of belonging, a greater desire to evolve etc. It’s a natural progression, but there are many souls already passing through the quantum gate, creating a domino effect. The collective mind of humanity is waking up, our emotional intelligence is coming back online, and we’re all starting to sense that something is deeply wrong with how we’re living on this planet.

Time will tell, but don’t rely on time. Rely on your inner being, your emotional intelligence and as always, discern everything with the truth of your heart.

Namaste.