Very Dry Humor
Hello from Hell
AKA Phoenix, Arizona — in the summertime!
It’s another gorgeous July day here in Phoenix.
We’d get out and enjoy it if it wasn’t so hot.
I’m kidding, it’s only 114ºF right now — that’s sweater weather to us locals.
Check back with us when the mercury jumps up to 120ºF or so. Then we might have something to complain about — if you can still find anyone alive here.
We know what you East Coasters love to say about the Valley of the Sun this time of year:
“But it’s dry heat!”
Like that somehow makes Phoenix so much more tolerable in the summer than, say, Virginia Beach on a humid day.
OK, we can go there…answer me this: If you slug back a few dry martinis, you’re still going to get tipsy, right? So please, just chill with that whole dry heat non sequitur thing.
I’ve even had people ask if you can fry an egg on the sidewalk here. The answer is yes of course, but only if you can afford the $11 for a dozen eggs.
And no, it’s not true that cows only produce evaporated milk here in the summer; that’s obviously a joke people. There are no cows here. It’s too hot.
What we do have are poultry farms. Did you know Phoenix is the largest supplier of rotisserie chickens to Costco during the summer months? It’s true; farm-to-table whole roasted chickens, no ovens or spits required. (Now you know why they’re just $4.99 each.) You’re welcome.
Getting tourists to Phoenix in the summer is a tough sell, even with our many world-class resorts and golf courses. So here’s the deal: If you can tolerate the heat, you can grab a luxury suite in a bougie Scottsdale resort for around $14.95 a night. (If you’re from New Jersey, yes, I know that’s still pricey—yikes! But we do have a few Motel 6s, so no worries.)
And if, against all odds, you do happen to wander into Phoenix this summer, don’t expect to go hiking on our famous mountain trails. Parks and Recs closes off the trailheads when it’s too hot. It’s for your own safety. Otherwise, we know you’d just strap on your cute Jansport fanny pack stuffed with vape pens but not enough water and get up on the trail and spontaneously combust. Many wildfires are started that way. We’ve got enough problems here already, like our tires melting.
And by the way, you thrill-seeker you, if you somehow manage to survive the summer heat here, you still have an excellent chance to risk life and limb when the Phoenix monsoons arrive.
Haven’t heard of our monsoons?
They’re massive summer thunderstorms that pop up suddenly and turn low-lying streets into white water rapids. Thinking you can drive through one of those will float your Kia Soul away faster than a barrel over Niagara Falls! So please dear visitors, be considerate. Swift water rescues are a real hassle for our Phoenix Fire Department, and besides, they have better things to do — like put out wildfires.
Bet you didn’t know this: Before Phoenix was a modern metropolis filled with millions of California transplants, the Valley was home to the Hohokam Indians. They lived here for thousands of years until they mysteriously disappeared in the 15th century.
Years later, when settlers came upon this surprisingly empty valley in the middle of a vast arid desert, they stumbled across the tribe’s old canals, scooped the sand out, and named the place Phoenix (which is, of course, the mythical name for the land of endless Airbnbs).
Scientists say they haven’t figured out what happened to the Hohokam. Well, hello geniuses, it doesn’t take a PhD to know that when you don’t have desert survival gear like R-22 freon, a 40-ounce pink Stanley Quencher tumbler, and a decent set of Ping golf clubs, you’re going to need to get the hell out of Dodge sooner rather than later.
Oddly enough, the same kind of vanishing act still happens here. This summer, to the surprise of absolutely no one, our Phoenix Coyotes hockey team bailed on us and moved north to Salt Lake City. Again people, this is the desert, and ice melts really fast. What tumbleweed-for-brains thought the NHL in Phoenix was a good idea in the first place?
Well the Hohokams may not be coming back, but we can always count on the annual migration of snowbirds to Phoenix during our beautiful winter and spring months.
Oh, in case you’re not familiar with snowbirds, they don’t actually fly. Instead, they drive very slow-moving RVs with turn signals that apparently don’t work from places like Wisconsin, Minnesota, and all ten provinces and three territories of Canada. (And speaking of birds Canuks, can you please keep your Canada geese at home? Thanks so much.)
My wife and I have lived in Phoenix for 18 years now. A lot of our friends and neighbors here say you couldn’t pay them to leave. Us however, you could write a check and we’d be gone the same day.
Naw, we love it here. It’s a little toasty right now, that’s all.
But good news, we’re going to have more time to enjoy Arizona’s great outdoors when it cools down now that we’re finally empty nesters. Yep, we just sold our last kid to a nice couple in South Dakota to pay our electric/AC bill. We’ll miss him, but hey, he’s cool with it.
There’s a lot more to tell you about summer in Phoenix that will make you even more grateful you don’t live here year-round.
Would you like a little peek at our haboobs?
Hey now, don’t be snickering like a third-grader — the haboobs in Phoenix are very real and very big! When those babies let loose they can put an eye out, no joke.
Happy to give you a good feel for our haboobs next time if you like. Just let me know.
In the meantime, we hope you’ll come visit Phoenix this summer — misery loves company! And for our New Jersey friends, we’ll leave the light on for you.
