The End of an Era: Goodbye Australia
After 9 years, my Australian adventure is coming to an end. As I sit here and reflect on the journey I’ve had in this country, I’m filled with that feeling you get when a profound chapter of your life is coming to a close. It’s a mix of sadness, excitement, anticipation, and nostalgia. I remember the person I was before coming here, and how life in this beautiful country changed me forever.
Prior to Australia I was living an exciting but empty life in Beijing. I was 26 years old and at one of the lowest points in my life. My sister had just died, and I was thinking a lot about my own mortality. Not in a depressing way, but more in a ‘I want to experience life to its fullest before it’s too late’ sort of way. I knew it was time to leave China, but I didn’t know where to go or what to do. I was lost. Moving back to Canada seemed like the most sensible option, but it didn’t excite me. Moving to Australia sounded like an adventure. I thought well, if death is inevitable, why not give this a shot? I had nothing to lose. I decided to apply for the working holiday visa and see what would happen. A few days later it was accepted. I thought of Australia as my chance to start over. To reset my life and start anew. From the moment I made up my mind everything about it felt right. It was like the path was unfolding before me. I was terrified though. I didn’t know anyone in Australia. I remember when I landed in Sydney I walked through the airport towards customs and there was a large advertisement that read: WELCOME TO YOUR NEW HOME. Talk about foreshadowing!
From the moment I arrived everything demanded that I pay attention. There was no sleeping through life anymore. This was waking up, being alert. I was on my own and determined to create a life for myself. I remember living in a hostel and walking over bags of goon and passed out partygoers as I made my way to job interviews. I wasn’t interested in partying; I’d done enough of that in Beijing. I wanted to find a job quickly, move out of the hostel, and rent an apartment. I was also stunned by the natural beauty of Sydney. After living in Beijing for two and half years, my eyes only saw shades of grey and brown. My world there was colourless, both literally and metaphorically. Sydney was the opposite. It’s a colourful, tropical paradise; a breathing piece of art for nature and beach lovers. I remember walking down the street and staring at trees with fluorescent green leaves and blinking twice like a cartoon character. How could this be real? I remember walking home from my very first job here, looking up at this breathtaking purple sunset and suddenly these amazing bats filled up the sky. It was like I was in a movie. I remember how it felt knowing that Bondi Beach was walking distance from my first apartment. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was that I had a visa to stay here. This wasn’t just a two-week holiday then back to regular life; this was my life. I lived close enough to be able to visit Bondi on any random day of the week if I so wanted. And that first year, I didn’t take that luxury for granted.
The first year of my working holiday went by fast, as all things good do. I saw so much of Sydney and finally found my own little routine. I had a good job, lots of friends, and lived by one of the most famous beaches in the world. Life was good. I didn’t want to change anything. However, in order to get my second year visa I had to leave and find regional work. I spoke to people who had to live in far north Queensland doing back-breaking work on a fruit farm. Some of them had great experiences, and unfortunately, many others were taken advantage of. I remember crying about it not realising that my life was about to get a whole lot better. It was the craziest and best learning experience of my life. There I was stressing my head off about how and where I would get my regional work hours for my second-year visa so I could come back to Bondi and my life just about to get upgraded. A friend of mine mentioned that she heard of someone getting her visa signed off as a volunteer at the Byron Bay yoga centre. I figured it was too good to be true, but I’d give it a shot and see. Somehow, I got it. I ended up living in a caravan, working as a housekeeper and a gardener in Byron Bay. It was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I learned how to do yoga and meditate. I shared nutritious vegetarian meals every night with other people who became like family to me. I watched people come from their busy lives, stressed out and anxious, leaving their retreat calm and relaxed. I watched shy students become confident yoga teachers. I started to heal from my sister’s death, rather than push the pain away. I was part of a community and felt a sense of profound belonging. Being in Byron, meeting those people, it all changed the course of my life.
Once I completed all my hours and they signed off my regional work, I went on an Eat, Pray, Love journey throughout Indonesia and India. I returned to Australia energised and excited to find a job that would sponsor me so I could stay. I dreamed of one day becoming a citizen. While I was hopeful to return to Byron, the options for sponsorship were significantly less than in Sydney. So I stayed in Sydney and ended up finding a job that did sponsor me. It was a challenging and demanding job that pushed me to my limits. But I stuck it out to get that sponsorship. I used to speak negatively of that job, but when I reflect, I’m grateful. I struggled and battled severe anxiety almost daily. But ultimately, I navigated out of it. I learned a lot about myself and I got sponsored. Around that time, I met a man who later became my husband. Finally, after years of searching for someone to share my life with, I found the person for me. This relationship was unlike any other I’ve had. The moment I met him it felt like I’d known him forever. I always thought of love as a racing heart, passion, and adrenaline. I didn’t know that love could also be a feeling of coming home. He respected me and was attentive from the very start. There was no ‘waiting 3 days before texting’ scripted dating rules. We just were who we were. I don’t believe it was meant to be, but I do I believe it was a very lucky coincidence that we met. He could have easily met someone else, I’m glad that our paths crossed. I needed someone stable, kind, and gentle in my life at that point (I still do). We now have two daughters together. It makes me happy that our children are born here, the city where it all began.
Australia helped me grow into an adult. I learned how to be fully responsible for myself, and now for two young children. I got to experiment and try new things without the weight of who I was or who I knew guiding me where to go. I got out of my comfort zone and made myself vulnerable to life. I met so many interesting and inspiring people that allowed me to see how life can be lived in so many different ways. A new chapter is just around the corner in a whole new country and I’m sure this one to come will be beautiful in its own way. But I still grieve the end of this one. How amazing and wonderful this chapter has been. I don’t want it to end, but it feels like this time of my life has outgrown itself. Change is painful. It’s a type of grief that no one really talks about, but we all go through. The end of a year and start of a new. The end of a job or a relationship. Changing seasons, ageing bodies. Moving home, city, or country. Death of a loved one. The birth of a child. We are continuously pushed out of one chapter and forced into another. Sometimes the changes of our lives are so insidious that one day you wake up and realise that everything is different. Other times the changes are evident, cold and ruthless, severing you from your old life. Life forces us to change whether we want to or not. We either instigate it, or life does it for us. But there is no such thing as stagnancy. While I feel like I know how life would pan out here in Australia, and staying here is a much (much) easier option, I don’t know. No one does. To move allows me to finally get rid of this constant and relentless thought of: I wonder if I should go back to Canada and be closer to my family…
I was born in Vancouver, but I never lived there. I don’t have friends in Vancouver, but I do have family. So, while I’m not starting from ground zero, it still feels scary moving somewhere without a job when you have a family to feed. The uncertainty of what jobs we will find and where and how our lives will all pan out feels overwhelming. We are starting over again. But if I can take anything from what I’ve learnt from my time in Australia it’s that while it’s easy to ruminate over the worst that can happen, life can sometimes present with the best that can happen. Or as Nelson Mandela said, “I never lose. I either win, or I learn.” It’s also deeply meaningful to me to return to the place I was born. To give the life to my girls that I would have had if my dad didn’t become a diplomat. In a way, it’s like watching a sliding doors moment of a person I could have been living the life I could have had. Sydney is not going anywhere. This amazing city with all its natural beauty will continue to be this way. But what won’t always be is our family. We have a chance now, this small window of time, while our children are still young, to try something new. Perhaps it’s the time to give my kids the chance to know their grandparents and cousins, aunts and uncles. To be able to attend any family gatherings, no matter how small. To embrace, or at least tolerate the cold. Maybe now is the time when I think less about me and all that I want and focus more on what’s best as a family.
I will miss this city so much with its sparkling beaches and lively harbours. The squawking cockatoos and laughing kookaburras. The cloudless sunny days and bluest skies, even and especially in winter. The squiggly gum trees and the smell of jasmine. The purple roads in the spring from jacaranda trees in blossom. The ease of life, the friendly people. The experience of being an expat. The chance to start over. This country will forever mean so much to me. It took me by the hand and showed me how incredible life could be.
Now on to the next chapter. Canada, here we come.
