My mama told me she loved me
And I never had a reason to question it
When I was sick she’d put the back of her hand to my head
Buy me lollipops and coloring books, but Robitussin, too
When I couldn’t hold in the tears anymore whether 9 or 29, she cried with me, unable to smile when her girl was so low
When I was sobbing she’d give me a long hug until I stopped shaking and could breathe again
When I said goodbye she hugged me with a strong force that filled me up until I saw her the next time
And when I did, she’d hug me once more, always happy to see me, no matter what
So when you said you loved me
I had no reason to doubt it because love felt, oh, so, good
Love made me feel safe and never left alone in anything I was going through
My mama’s hugs felt like warm apple pie after Thanksgiving dinner
And hot cocoa following a day of sledding
But your hugs were different
And your I love yous came with a price
Your hugs had strings that could have tied the world’s shoes
Yet so fragile that a gentle breeze could have blown them all to bits
I wanted to fall into your arms and let the world disappear
Clasping my eyes shut, hoping the dark would make it so
But my body always knew and never came close to believing
The next wrong word might keep all the hugs perpetually suspended in time
In the empty space above the world that I lived in
Leaving me totally alone, utterly bewildered by this word, love
