You said 376, right?

A friend and I were talking about choice last week. You know the conversation about free-will vs. destiny vs. pre-determination vs. karma. Without committing to a singular viewpoint on the subject, I asked him several questions about his life, his choices, and what he thought about the past influencing the choices he makes now.

Let me just make it clear, we have a friendship. We’re trying to be honest, transparent, trusting. So as we sashayed down the rabbit hole of explaining ourselves to each other, we were both trying to listen, be respectful, and be patient with one another…up until we got to subject of sex.

He had started working at fifteen, in a posh resort area on the coast. Young and hardworking, he said, but with a need to escape his childhood and determine his life by his own means. He told me about the weekly arrivals of young women and families. A constant stream of new faces wanting to escape from, if only for a while, their own choices back home.

He said he wasn’t proud of some of the things he had done back then but that he had made the choice to be that man. The one who slept with a woman a week, for years. Sometimes less and often more, he didn’t do the math — but I did. And when I mentioned to him that he must have slept with 300 or 400 women, he simply replied ‘should be’.

He wasn’t gloating, or remorseful, or shamed. He was honest. This is what I did, who I was, what I wanted to do. Then he told me about when he decided to do something different. He left that life, moved to another area and consciously made different choices. But as he explained this all to me, he asked me a question that still has me thinking.

‘What is the difference in my choices and those of a man who chooses to stay in one town or with one lover his whole life?’. My first reaction was to mention that sleeping with that many women is not common. ‘Okay, perhaps. But in many places many choices can be considered uncommon. Unique, or different’, he replied. That’s true. What is ‘common’ and by whose definition or standard?

My next attempt was aimed at the women, as if I could speak for them — on their behalf — about their experience. Were they were used, were they were demeaned, were they were not respected, were they were hurt? But, I didn’t mention this to him. Because after thinking about it for a minute, I knew I didn’t know their experience. Maybe they had fun, felt relaxed, got wild, tried something new, made a memory.

But the question goes far beyond our conversation and sex. It asks us about difference, diversity, and how we engage with it. How do we discover, learn, and explore when the territory gets too unfamiliar? What can we do to increase our ability to find or create choice? Why is it so damn difficult to accept (not necessarily agree) with other people’s choices? Their differences.

For one, judgement and fear can impede our ability so we aren’t free to discover choices that challenge us, delight us, or teach us. Another is time, we are all changing. Each one of us. Every day, if not by the hour. Why is so hard to believe or understand that other people are changing too? Uncommon doesn’t mean wrong, and different isn’t a dirty word. But we do, we judge. We fear. We fail to understand, too often, that other people’s choices are not only valid, but offer us an opportunity to expand our own world by introducing us to well…something different.

My friend and I are working hard at creating a friendship between two human beings that gives both of us support, a place to discover and learn, and an opportunity to share our pasts, present, and hopes for the future. We are learning together how to listen, be patient, and be respectful. These capacities enhance not only our knowledge, but our understanding of the world and the relationships in it. The ones between humans, our planet, and within our selves.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the roles of these precepts. The word translates as ‘pre-coming together’. Pre-why-the-hell-did-you-think-that-was-good-idea. Pre-I-don’t-know-anything-about-that. Pre-it’s-too-big-a-risk-to-take. If we all practiced listening, patience, and respect what changes could we make to our relationships?

We could cultivate greater awareness, greater compassion, and a greater sense of well-being. We could expand our choices and ability to acknowledge that difference and diversity not only make us human, they make us more resilient, more adaptable. To help us to engage life, and not just look at it from the sidelines.

To find out more about how listening, patience, and respect can be cultivated, join us at thecontactproject.com