Modern Day Scarlet Letter
I bear the Modern Day Scarlet Letter. I am a mother who lost custody of her child.
The look on someone’s face when they hear I do not have custody of my only child is a figurative knife to the heart. Each and Every time.
There is a myth in society that moms always get custody of kids in a divorce. Therefore, if a woman doesn’t have custody she must be an awful person who hurt her kids in some way.
FACT: Amazing moms routinely lose custody.
How did I lose custody? It began when I decided in early 2006 to leave an abusive husband. He told me that he would “make me pay” and that I “would regret leaving him.” I believed that the system would protect me and my innocent infant. Wow, was I wrong! He was determined to destroy us at all costs. He quickly learned that the family court was the way he would make his threats a reality.
I remember the first time my toddler disclosed abuse. I was driving and out of the blue my son told me from his car seat in the back that his dad hurt him and hit him in the head. I was shocked at first. Unfortunately, this became the pattern of nearly every time my child spent time with his father.
To add insult to injury, this man took me to court repeatedly. He was building a file. I had made a decision to turn the other cheek. When I didn’t receive money he owed, he was late, or any number of ways he violated the court order, I chose to not pursue him in court. I didn’t want to spend the money or energy on going to court. I wanted peace. Not him. He took me to court nonstop. One of the most egregious was for being one minute late for a drop off. 1 minute. Yep, I was punished for that and much more. My ex enjoyed every minute. You could see it in his face and his body language.
Yes, I tried to protect my son from abuse. On two different occasions I gathered the courage to petition the court for a restraining order or protection from abuse. Both requests for protection were denied. The second was the most difficult to comprehend. During a visit, my ex abused my son in a hotel room in New Orleans. Another hotel guest called hotel security because they heard a child screaming for help. Hotel security intervened and in the process of trying to calm a screaming child got my phone number out of him and called me to come help. I rushed to the hotel. The hotel also called NOPD and EMS. I arrived to find a terrified child screaming how he didn’t want his dad to hurt him anymore and he didn’t want to go back with him. Kiddo locked himself in a bathroom. I finally coaxed him out of the bathroom. EMS didn’t find any broken bones so they left. The abuser waived his court order in the face of the police officer. NOPD forced this child to remain with his abuser until the court ordered time ended a few hours later.
We will never be the same.
Family court was the abuser’s new playground. He tortured us nonstop then turned around and took me to court claiming he was a victim and I must be punished.
Rinse and repeat for 11 years. Let that sink in. He weaponized family court to exert power and control over us until the court finally gave him the prize, primary custody of an 11 year old boy. A boy who repeatedly begged any and every adult he came into contact with for help to stop the abuse he experienced at the hands of his father.
I bear the scarlet letter of a mom who does not have custody of her child. My crime was trying to protect a child from abuse.
