5 Traits of a Bad Friend
#4. Why does everything become a competition?
Humans are extremely social creatures. When it comes to our relationships, whether we like it or not, we are affected by those around us more than we think. According to a Harvard social psychologist, ‘the people we habitually surround ourselves with can determine as much as 95% of your success or failure in life’.
John Rohn famously said:
“You are the average of your five closest friends”
Its been found that those who have a rich social life live longer than those without and that strong social connections ‘reduce the risk of many significant health problems, including depression, high blood pressure and an unhealthy body mass index’.
We pick up the traits, behaviours, opinions and, ultimately attitudes of those around us. Look at how, even for a couple of months, you can pick up someone’s accent — or a turn of phrase they use frequently.
You’ll mirror the habits of the people you spend the most time with. To build good habits, spend more time with people who already practice them
You’re going to take on board their attitudes and motivation (or lack-there-of) at a similar rate, often without knowing. If you’re going to take on the traits of your friends you may as well make them beneficial to you.
What is a ‘bad friend’?
I’m not sure there is such a thing as a ‘good friend’ or, conversely, a bad one. But you can certainly inter-relate in a way that is unhealthy for both of you. We will define these ‘bad friend’ traits as those that contribute to the movement towards an unhealthy relationship.
We are not always that hypothetical ‘good-friend’ to those around us. Seems an unsurmountable task and one that would be detrimental to pursue. It’s a bad sign if you’re living purely to make the people around you happy.
It is a trade-off, having those companions that give as much as they take is the goal here. These are the relationships that you would benefit from investing time into, those that take more than they give, maybe aren’t.
Some friends, indeed, do more harm than good — Dr Harriet Lerner
1. You have to hide your successes
I’ve always heard the thought that ‘good friends are those that you could tell bad news to’.
This is true. It shows empathy, a desirable trait in a friend. But I also see the flipside to this.
Friends are those that will celebrate your successes as if they were their own
One of the best feelings is when you can tell a family member or a close friend one of your successes, they jump up and down for you. Living the excitement as if it were their own news.
We also all know that mate that will hear that you have done a good thing and will immediately tell you about a time when they did something similar or better than you did.
You can double these celebratory times by celebrating someone else’s achievements
Wouldn’t we all rather be the family member that’s jumping up and down, rather than the friend that is resentful of the success?
If your friend has one of these moments, celebrate it as if it were yours. That’s true encouragement.
2. Lack of honesty
John Lennon said:
“Being honest may not get you a lot of friends but it’ll always get you the right ones.”
Honesty is important to build trust. Imagine showing someone your work.
Some friends will only say good things, but you’re unsure if they fully meant it. According to a study in the Journal of Consumer Research, novices have a preference for positive feedback, but experts prefer negative feedback. A ‘good friend’ will offer the positives and negatives, encouraging you to further yourself and your work.
Matching up what we think and what we say is important, but it’s not without its caveats. Brutal honesty is seldom necessary.
Good friends will point out when you have done something bad, they offer their view and listen to your response.
Take that hypothetical ‘bad friend’. You might mention something they did that made you uncomfortable. A toxic person will make excuses for bad behaviour, come on the offensive or maybe even lie about it. They explain why you were wrong to have those feelings in the first place.
3. They don’t listen to what you have to say
Classic. We’ve all been there, realising, mid-conversation that the other participant isn’t listening and merely waiting for their turn to speak.
‘Good-friends’ listen. Offer honest opinions and seek deeper conversations. They ask further questions and reflect their thoughts on your views.
Does what you have to say matter to them? If not, that’s probably a red flag.
If we only listened with the same passion that we feel about being heard — Dr Harriet Lerner
4. Always competing with you
That friend that is playing the level-up game, are they keeping scores? It’s a common situation. One that can cause real hurt if left unchecked.
Are you doing a thing and vetting it against what that friend will think? Are you trying to ‘keep up with the Joneses?’’ Or trying to get a step ahead?
I love this quote from CH Care’s post.
“If something’s gone well and you’re excited to share, watch out for the person who immediately finds a way to belittle your achievement — looking for a loophole, a way to dust the sheen from your mood, who uses negativity, or suggests they did something way more impressive”
Signalling isn’t a healthy way to conduct a relationship and can often lead to excessive spending in the pursuit of ‘getting ahead’.
Competition needs to be played by both parties to work, meaning its really easy to stop. Just stop playing the game. Admit the loss.
The likelihood is that you’re both playing this game without even meaning to. All it takes is for you to be genuinely happy for each other. Next time they signal at you, say you’re happy for them and mean it. It might be what they needed all along.
“Instead of letting yourself get sucked into a new competition, support your friend and give them the acknowledgement they is seeking from you. It will be easier for them to open up and give the same to you in return” — Nadine Murphy
5. Not supporting you
Clearly, it’s an important thing to support your friends, even if you don’t share the enthusiasm for that interest/hobby or career. Fully understanding a friend’s drive, interest or enthusiasm for something isn’t needed to support them. Just understand what it means to them.
Support is asking further questions, listening and offering your thoughts. It’s giving feedback and offering encouragement.
A good friend will remember and ask how ‘that thing’ is going, even if they have no personal gain from that conversation.
On the flip side, look out for those that will make jokes about your passions -not understanding your interest or finding a way to make it ‘weird’. This is often done publicly
They shoot down your successes, belittle your wins and find any way to not acknowledge it. Often these people don’t have many passions of their own, it’s most probably troubling them that you have found yours.
Nobody likes to let go
It seems strange to analyse friendships like this, but it seems necessary to do. You invest more time in your friendships than many other important things — choosing the right ones to pursue is important.
Dr Harriet Lerner said:
‘’It is wise to pay attention to your friendships and have them in order while you’re healthy and your life and work are going well,’’
‘’Because when a crisis hits, when someone you love dies, or you lose your job, when the universe gives you a crash course in vulnerability, you will discover how crucial and life-preserving good friendship is.’’
It’s always tough to lose a friend or someone you are close to but sometimes necessary. I think my Mum put it best:
Some friends are for a season, and that’s okay
