Dating Apps and the Unbearable Loneliness of the Military Man
Max Black is a man who will pick you up at eight p.m. with a beaming smile and a bouquet of ruby red roses. He’ll also walk you to your door by 11 p.m. on the dot and kiss your cheek goodnight. Black would also like to hold your hand and caress your thumb as he walks on the side of the sidewalk closest to the street. Max is a man of love, but the blue-collar life and dating apps create little space for romance.
Black, 21 when we met, sold his soul to the Marine Corps back in 2019 when he turned 18. “There was nothing else better for me to do. I hate school and I didn’t want to be a loser with no job. So I joined, sadly,” he says when we first met back in October of last year. I started talking with Black a month prior on the Bumble dating app for an anthropology project called, “The Marine’s Desire to Use Dating Apps.”
Black, an airframes mechanic, spends a majority of his time “getting fucked by planes” as he puts, rather than getting loved by women. So he ended up joining Bumble to fill the void of love in his life. Since he joined the Marines, Black has been moving all over the United States. The first place he was sent after leaving his home in Dallas, Texas was South Carolina, and then it was Florida. Currently, Black is stationed at Camp Pendleton in Oceanside, California, and it is the “absolute worst place to live” he says, because there are “too many goddamn liberals!”
Bumble is a dating app that was created in 2014 by Whitney Wolfe Herd. Herd’s plan was to create an app where women get to make the first move, thus breaking dating stereotypes. Over the past year Bumble had approximately 12.3 million monthly active users; 64.7 percent of the users are male, and 32.6 percent of those users are female. So, maybe things didn’t go quite as Herd expected.
For the project, I met Black at a coffee shop in San Juan Capistrano, called Hidden House Coffee. The venue is closer to me than him, as Black lived in Oceanside and I in South Orange County. We had texted a couple days previously. “I know you’re a feminist and all. And… This isn’t a date, but my momma raised me better than to have a woman drive to me for a cup of coffee,” he wrote.
“I’m more of a matcha with oat milk kind of girl,” I texted back.
Two days later, I walk into the coffee shop and am immediately greeted by the nutty smell of roasted coffee beans. I turn to my left and there is Black with buzz-cut brown hair, emerald green eyes, and pale skin, leaning up against the powder white walls with a sort of smug look on his face. He is wearing a blue button up shirt, and khaki pants with blue low top vans. He is holding a small, iced matcha latte.
I approach and he puts his hand out for me to shake. “Hi I’m Max. Nice to meet you,” he beams and gives my hand a firm shake. He gives me the latte. “You remembered. How sweet of you,” I tease.
“Yeah, yeah, don’t mention it,” Black chuckles, his posture straight up.
On his profile, Black claimed to be six-feet tall, but he was about the same height as me in my platforms — more like 5' 6". Black notices me staring and chuckles. “Yes, I’m a short king. I put six feet on my profile to get more likes.”
We sit at a small round white table in the corner, near wide panel windows that overlooking the Mission promenade, sipping our beverages slowly through an awkward silence. “You know I usually don’t match with college girls,” Black blurts out of nowhere.
“Aren’t you like 20? Girls your age are mainly in college,” I respond.
“Yes I am 20. But, I don’t like college girls,” he snickers. “It’s more of a younger crowd from a guy’s standpoint. A lot more of the girls there like to play games, they’re just younger and that’s normally what they do. Also, just going into college is just a big party time.”
“Why did you match with me then,” I question, wide eyed.
Black sighs loudly and interwines his hands, signaling some discomfort. “Nobody really tries getting serious at the beginning of college,” he says. “It’s usually more towards the end when they graduate. You’ve gotten through the hoe phase. You’ve gotten through the fuck and party phase.”
Before I could respond Black interjects, “Girls your age are turning these apps into hook-up apps and that is sad.”
Many young people rely on dating apps as it is the quickest and easiest way to date now. Dating apps give users an endless selection of options to swipe left or right on, making it more convenient for busy young people who are working or in college, or both. Nearly 79 percent of 18 to 29-year-olds use Tinder, 51 percent use Bumble, and 39 percent use Hinge. About 72 percent of Millennials who are using these apps are not looking for anything serious, “wanting to stay single” because they either need to focus on their own needs or school.
Black stares at my hands and my brightly colored lavender nail polish as I sip on my matcha. “You know I’m around men all the time and I never see hands that look as soft as yours do. Can I touch them?” he asks.
I shake my head and put my hands on my lap. Black rolls his eyes and shows me his cracked hands. “See these hands. These are the hands of a working man,” he says. “The hands of man that doesn’t get to see women often.” Now I roll my eyes.
“Are you saying you can’t get a woman to spend time with you?” I ask, leaning in.
“We are all lonely here,’” Black says, his eyes going a bit blank. “All we ever focus on is work, work, work. After that, it’s all about who can get drunk the fastest on a Thursday night because we are bored. Boredom leads to loneliness. Yes, I have my friends, but they are just as depressed as I am. We are all the same. He stretched his arms, and contines. “You wonder why we join dating apps or marry young. It’s because we are lonely and maybe want more money.”
You wonder why we join dating apps or marry young. It’s because we are lonely and maybe want more money.
According to Medical News Today, about 23 percent of active duty military experience, or are clinically diagnosed, with depression. This number may be higher as many do not seek treatment for their condition. It’s estimated that up to 14 percent of service members experience depression after deployment. This leads to a significant nunber marrying young because they want emotional stability within their lives.
Studies show that men generally fair better in health and life when they have a companion. Also, with marrying comes benefits such as security, tax write off, health and estate benefits, and economic gain. These are all incentives for military men to get married, and married young: about 56 percent of active duty military under the age of 25 are currently married.
Then, there is the uncertainty and instability that can come with deployment. “If you ask any of my friends, they will tell you how hard this job is,” says Black. “We are away from our families and none of us can keep a relationship. If I start a relationship now and get deployed a month later that girl is definitely cheating on me with Jody.”
Who is Jody? One of your friends?”
“Jody is like a name for someone who our partners are cheating on us military men with when we are deployed. It could be anyone. Even my friends,” he says, coldly.
According to Forces News, a UK news organization covering the military, one in four serving experience intense loneliness or isolation. The cause of this loneliness is a lack of meaningful relationships whether that be with friends, family, or romantically. Some effects of loneliness in men is correlated cardiovascular disease, strokes, alcoholism, smoking, and suicides. Black drinks and smokes. “Yes, I drink daily. I’m bored out of my mind with a bunch of men a majority of the time. What else is there to do? Hug?” he whips out a cigarette as we walk out of the coffee shop.
More than a year ago, Black was sent to live in Arizona for a couple of months to undergo some training for his job as an airframes mechanic. He’d been seeing a young woman for about a year at the time that he had met on Tinder while previously living in South Carolina.
“She cheated on me with some idiot she met while at school. I wanted to ask her to marry me and all that simp bullshit,” he says. He’s clearly been stung by the experience, and it explains some of his generalizations about college, but he is also self aware about his unrealistic expectations. “I’m gonna be honest, I never really saw my ex because I was really busy. But, after the first date I thought she was the one. Might have been the touch deprivation. Who knows?” he shrugs.
After the first date I thought she was the one. Might have been the touch deprivation. Who knows?
Black walks me down the stubbled road to my car. The Santa Ana winds singing through our silence. “You know I deleted Bumble this week. I’m not getting much matches,” Black says, positioning me on the sidewalk away from the street.
“I keep getting ghosted, and I might be getting out of the Marines in the next five years,” he says, sighing. “It’s kinda fucked up to date someone and then leave… These apps aren’t doing it for me anymore, it’s a negative place.”
He might be right.
According to Whittier College Professor of Psychology Dr. Christina Scott, dating apps are havign negative effects on dating as they “may put an even greater emphasis on physical appearance than one might find in face-to-face interactions. Gen Z has grown up with the speed and power of technology, but our dependence on technology may limit our confidence in social interactions. Swiping right may be the first step, but meeting someone face-to-face and finding meaningful commonalities will remain a challenge across all generations.”
The over emphasis on appearance is one thing, but Black dislikes another dehumanizing aspect of the apps: they give people the ability to ghost, or lie about what their intentions are. “I have been on dating apps since I was 18 and it definitely impacted my views on dating as people don’t want what I want,” he says. “A relationship.”
We get to my car, Black races to open the door for me before I can reach the driver’s side handle. I click the little black button on my keys and unlock the car.
“You know I can open my own car door right?” I tell him and I reach for my door.
Black rolls his eyes and swats my hand. “I know that. Chivalry is dead nowadays and you’re very sweet. So I’m going to open your door whether you like it or not.”
Black opens my door and motions me inside of my little beat up Honda Civic. “See that wasn’t so hard. Anyways it was great meeting you, but I gotta bounce. I have a date with a bottle of Jack [Daniel’s] and the boys,” Black smiles. “I’m getting drunk tonight… so I’ll probably download Bumble again. Have a great day.”
He chuckles as he shuts my door.
note: Subject’s name was changed to protect his privacy.
